I Laughed When You Sneezed

I’m not usually such a jerk. I’m actually a nice quiet guy.

I saw you down the aisle when I was doing my weekly shopping. We were on the aisle with all the cereal and I believe you were getting a box of Reese’s Puffs when you stopped short. Your eyes narrowed and your body convulsed in short jerks back and forth as a sneeze worked itself up. My eyes were fixed on you. Finally you reared back, taking in a huge breath, and then…


Your head launched forward with tremendous force as the sneeze blasted from your face-holes. Your forehead collided with the rows of cereal in front of you causing a domino-effect avalanche of boxed breakfasts onto the floor. You stumbled backward and regained your composure.

As the fogginess left your face your eyes fell on a box in the middle of the aisle in front of you. Down at the other end of the aisle a few people were peering down at you and the mountain of cereal boxes before you. You reached down and plucked the box off the floor and wiped your hand across its face.

The biggest glob of slimy snot I have ever seen stretched out between your hand and the soggy box. You ran your palm across your pants with a look of disgust on your face. And then your head snapped up in my direction as you realized you were being watched. Your cheeks flushed red and you froze. Before I knew what was happening my brain shot the first thing out of my mouth it could come up with.

“Amazing form,” I casually said. You just stared, un-reacting. After an awkward moment of silence between us I started laughing. Very very hard. I just couldn’t stop. Your face transitioned from a blush of embarrassment to a deeper red of hatred and anger. You snatched your purse from your cart and abandoned everything. You left out the other side of the aisle and that was the last I saw of you.

If I could go back I wish I would have offered you my handkerchief and started putting boxes back on the shelf. You were really cute except for the snot monster you launched onto the cereal. I will never know your name. I will never know what could have been. I will think of you every time I eat Reese’s Puffs.

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