A Middle-Aged Middle-Class Working-Slugs Analysis of Social Media
Since everyone and their older sister have begun to share their opinions on the various social networks available, I too have decided to provide my own insight and observations as someone creeping ever closer to my midlife crisis.
Full disclosure: I’m white, 35, married, with three snot-nosed kids slowly draining the life and soul out of me, working a job which equally drains my life and soul to make just enough money to stay above the poverty line. I’m also possibly an alcoholic. I have no idea if my age bracket and demographic is ‘highly coveted’ by anyone besides Fox News or Thursday Night Football. The views I provide are my own worthless insights.
Facebook: The best way to become aware of the political views of the relatives and friends you barely ever talk to. You’ll end up unfriending most of them. You can’t quit or your mom will be on the phone within the hour demanding to know why you quit Facebook.
Twitter: Great way to have one-sided conversations with celebrities. Katy Perry, why don’t you ever respond? I just want you to know I exist!
Instagram: Which filter defines me as a person? Earlybird? Walden? Damn. My food has gone cold.
Snapchat: I think my oldest kid uses this to share pictures with his girlfriend, and at this point I’m too afraid to ask.
Tumblr: I remember this site in the ‘90s, except we called it GeoCities and there were more flashing gifs and MIDI music.
LinkedIn: I tried to make an account, but I don’t earn enough annual salary nor own enough business suits to be allowed to sign up.
Pinterest: What my wife uses to plan dinners. Meals usually end in tears when what she made doesn’t look exactly like the picture. Any feeble attempt of mine to soothe her emotions backfire. I grab a beer and hide. Thanks Obama.
YouTube: These ‘YouTube Personalities’ actually make hundreds of thousands of dollars more than me? How the actual fuck?!?
Vine: These guys too!!! I… I… I can’t live in this world.
Reddit: I am not responsible for my actions if Cindy down in accounting tapes up one more incorrect use of Actual Advice Mallard to her door.
Tinder: My wife would cut off my balls while I slept if she found this on my phone.
4chan: Was that girl underage? brb setting my computer on fire and throwing it in the ocean.