Tell me and I’ll do it

[Taglish (Tagalog-English)]

People see me as someone who is strong, who can definitely commit to an uncommitted relationship, who is fine by herself that nothing can pull me down. They see me as someone who doesn’t fall when it comes to these things. That was what we believed.

“Kaya ko sarili ko. Ayoko rin masyadong magpaka-attach.”
“Yung ngayon, ngayon lang. Bahala na, ayoko isipin yung future. Kung matapos, edi matapos!”
“Go with the flow lang.”
“Ako? Maghahabol? Ulol. Maganda ako, pwe!”
“Saktan niya ako, edi bibitawan ko. Psh. Waste of time kung manloloko ‘yan.”

But as time goes by, we started to get to know myself better. Hindi na kami nag-dudwell sa kung ano lang yung ‘tingin’ namin, kung ano yung ‘alam lang’ namin. Because we figured, I am the exact opposite of the perception. Am? No. Became. I became the exact opposite when YOU came along.

I came from a dark place in my past, just before you. It was all smoke and haze, booze and daze. I thought I wanted to stay there forever. It was fun, I was always having a great time. I felt young and free. It felt like the perfect escape from everything wrong in my life. I was then doing too much wrong decisions and I thought I was cool. I was not attached to anyone, I made pretty sure of that. I didn’t like to get all romantic-y at that point, coming from a woman who had been contained in a 4-year relationship she wasn’t even happy about.

Eh, dumating ka. My way of thinking did a 360 drift. Maganda naman. Kaso nagandahan ako masyado that I don’t want to let go of it anymore. You happened to be both the cure and the poison. I realized, you are the perfect escape from everything. I am aware of what’s happening but you’re there and you make everything seem all right. I became attached and I changed for you. Well, you changed me. I wanted to be better, for you. Because you’re so special you don’t deserve worse. Meron akong tinayong boundaries between me and those who wishes to hurt me pero nakapasok ka ng walang kahirap-hirap. I opened a door for you. I am that into you. I started thinking this could really work. Like, yung real deal thing na sinasabi nila. Akala ko, pwedeng tayo na. Yun pala —

AKO LANG PALA.

You came in and out of my life whenever it’s convenient for you. Alam kong may mga unsettled business ka pa with your past girl, everytime you walk away. Alam ko yon, ‘di ako tanga. I’d be okay and start to move on, but you’ll make up for your mistakes na naman. Paparamdam ka na naman. Babalik ka na naman tapos “sure” ka na naman. Kikiligin ako, aasa, tapos aalis ka na naman. I’ve been called stupid hundred times already. Why would I want to give out my everything for someone who clearly doesn’t do the same daw? Yung iniiyakan ko, tingin sakin hindi naman importante. Because if I really mean something to you, you wouldn’t break my heart too many times.

I’ve so much love to give that I’m pouring it out on the wrong person.

Minsan napapagod na rin yung mga kaibigan ko kaka-advice at pagalit sakin. Ang tigas daw ng ulo ko. Hindi ako nagtatanda.

T*ngina mo, ikaw gumawa nito, eh. You say things, but would probably be half-meant lang. Ako naman si gaga, maniniwala, kikiligin, aasa. You’ve made promises you didn’t keep. Bakit? Did I deserve this? You know all about me, how good a person I am (not to brag), what I’ve been through, how hurt I was in the past tapos maaatim mo pang gawin ‘to sakin? Do I deserve this? And I hate you for making me fall for you so deep and now I’m finding it hard to pull myself back up from the hole I’ve let myself fall into.

“Ikaw ang nang-iwan, ikaw ang sumuyo’t umalok na ibalik ang dati, pero ikaw muli ang sumuko at ako ang naghabol hanggang huli. #UnsentLetters” -@shakirasison

Ang sakit sakit na, lalo pa’t mahal na mahal parin kita.

Tapos ngayon, sasabihin mong “Ayokong mawala ka, yung satin.” I don’t know what to feel. I pity myself for chasing after you, for agreeing with you. Because I don’t want to leave too. I hate myself for being too nice, too forgiving. Yung alam kong mali, pero sige lang. I don’t want to leave while there’s still something left for me in your heart. Am I going to wait until there’s nothing anymore? No. Just Give me a little more time and I’ll let go.

Bakit mag-aantay pa??

Bakit ayoko pang umalis?

I’m still hoping. Hoping that I can get you back, or hoping that I can make you realize I am worth it. Hoping that I can wash away every last feeling you have for her. Hoping that you can see the potential that we have. Hoping that you’d realize you’d rather be happy with me than with anyone else.

Because you said you don’t want me to leave. You said you still like me and you don’t want us to be nothing. Kapit na kapit ako sa sinabi mo, hayup ka.

I don’t want to let go of something that I have already painted through the walls and ceilings of my future. I want you. I’m not begging and I’m not staying. I’m just saying-

This is me saying how much I love you. I hate you.

But, please, if you want to me to disappear, if you want me gone, if you want nothing more from me, SAY IT AND I’LL DO IT.

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