Twenty-fifteen is a Venti cup of so many things!

Cliché as it is, Thank you 2015 and Hello 2016!

I woke up and stared at the ceiling of my new room, watching as the hanged glow in the dark stars and moon sways back and forth and the wind chimes’s metal pipes are clinking on each other. I looked beside the bed and saw the new puppy in town I bought in Divisoria yesterday sitting and looking intently at me as if saying “What’s for breakfast?” He greeted me good morning with a lick on the tip of my nose. It doesn’t smell good. I stretched my limbs beneath the cold cotton sheets, wishing to get taller if I do this every day for the rest of the years. 1...2...3...4...5 seconds. In a couple of hours, I will write 2016 on my planners. In a couple of hours, it will be another year to celebrate towards the death of my youth. In a couple of hours, it will be another cycle of 366 revolutions of the earth to spend basking in the greatness and fullness of this very exciting and sometimes bullshit thing — BIG THING — called life.

I look back on some memories from the past year and realize it feels like they were only from a month back. It doesn’t seem anything like a 10th-month old story. They are so vivid and fresh like a newly opened canned peaches that I can even tell stories in detail if I would. But I won’t because every time I try to time hop back to the days, my heart would fall in a deep hollow, thinking that the moments that made me so happy wouldn’t have their second takes. There’s no future replica, no other same exact happening. But it’s okay. That makes them more valuable. That makes them diamond crystals shining even if they get tucked away. That makes them stars in the sky that I get to wish upon and look up if I want to. They are just there. And anyway, memories don’t have expiration dates.

My priorities and perspective, the way I see myself and the way I see others, have changed over the course of the year. The things that I thought would save me, killed me. The things that I thought was just, it’s not. The things that I wouldn’t dare doing, I have done. And the people I swore not to reconcile with? They are one of the closest friends I have now. Well, some. The rest didn’t make it to the cut just because they are really that bad and I wonder why some of them still get the goodness in life. I’m like — THEY ARE A**HOLES THEY DON’T GET TO GET AWAY WITH THIS.

And it’s funny how I thought there wouldn’t be much reconstruction of myself within just 365 livings, nor there wouldn’t be much switching of people that I get to live the next year with, nor I would still have this definite plan of becoming a web developer someday. But things change, and people. And in a matter of a year, we can be anything. And in a matter of a year, friends can become family. Enemies can be friends. Best buds can be strangers. Dreams can come true. And lovers? Lovers can be a fragment of a memory, a character set can’t be said, a name that can’t be dropped, a story can’t be told, a person can’t even look in the eye or say ‘Hi’ to.

Over the 12 flips of the calendar pages and the I-can’t-count-how-many scraps of paper I’ve written stories into, two diaries and one planner, one roll of tissue and the hem of my shirts I’ve wiped tears and sweat to, there had been so much that happened. A whole month of writing wouldn’t be enough perhaps. I’ve cried, I’ve loved, I’ve fought and talked back, I’ve laughed, I’ve failed, I’ve gossiped, I’ve made people cry, I’ve made people proud, I’ve won, I’ve hoped and wished and prayed to the Heavens and stars, on the train rails and under the tunnels.There is so much that happened, that I have learned about myself and about life itself, even the things that I shouldn’t know about yet.

I learned I can still write and that I do want to write. I learned I was a social butterfly and it sucks not having to have constant people to celebrate the good life with. I learned to keep only friends who doesn’t need constant reminder to stick by, I am fine with the number I have. I learned I was close to anorexia. I learned I am obsessed with love, and is it a good thing? I’m not sure. Probably not, for me. I learned I am too soft — even for people who doesn’t deserve my softness. I learned I want to please everyone and I get frustrated if I didn’t. I learned I found myself at the brink of losing it, and I learned I still am the strong and brave little girl my mom and dad taught me to be. Although I learned my breakpoint and that I can actually think about dying and killing myself… I learned I’m not getting any taller than this… I also do learned that I am forgiving. I learned that I still appreciate and understand other people regardless of whether they did me wrong or did me right. I learned I want to dance or pursue my writing career in the future, and that to be able to do that I have to make little steps starting now. I learned I can only drink up to four bottles of Red Horse Stallion and that I mostly, if not always, get drunk. I learned that I’m weird in my own way. I learned that I don’t get bored by being alone but I do need people to keep myself sane and emotionally healthy. I learned I do not need anyone to make myself happy, however. I learned that I am sentimental as far as sentiments can be.

I learned how to fight back. I learned that I am possessive with everything and everyone. I learned I get jealous very so often. I learned that I always try to see the good in people first. I learned how to offer my trust, and then I learned how to mistrust. I learned how to hate and how to throw bricks and stones and kill people in my head for despising them so much. I learned that I could wallow and cry for two whole straight weeks. I learned I could eat nothing and drink nothing but water for a day. I learned that being a big happy person that I am, I am also big in being lonely. I learned that I am the type of person who’d rather put other people first before herself. I learned to let people go. I learned to let people leave if they want to. I learned to give everything I can and prove as much as I can. I learned to not just rely on the works of life, that the works of man are also a contributing factor to what you want to happen. I learned to ask questions. I learned to be brave and accept what’s bound to happen. I learned I will not always get what I want because there will be something better to come. I learned that time heals wounds, I learned that in time, everything gets better. I learned that time passes, and so does people. I learned that sometimes, you have to break ties and burn bridges so you can move on.

I learned to get what I want, and to break free from the things that stops you from doing so. I learned how to keep the feet onto the ground, and to treasure friendships and to put importance in family. I learned that life offers so much, experience everything it has to offer. I learned that through life, I get my ups and downs, be in my strongest and weakest point, be full and in broken pieces and it’s okay. That makes me, me. That makes every year, worth the story tell.

I’m not sorry. I do not regret being the way I am now after 2015’s mishaps. I do not regret doing the things I’ve done even if it were stupid and senseless. I do not feel bad that at the end of the year, I do not have everything I wished I have (had). I believe it was all good riddance. Or it will come around eventually or when time comes…

It was worth it. All the broken rules, all the classes cut, all the nights I spent somewhere else but my home, all the lecture from the family, all the blurred nights, all the lies told, they were all worth it. At least I would never have to say “I wish I had done that.”

This year had been a rapid rush of stream water with blocks of rocks along the way, each varying in sizes and shape. It felt like it was just a 30-minute ride with series of big waves and small ones, and to a point where there were no waves at all. I got to experience a mix of so many emotions, and got to be with different people along the way. 2015 was one helluva ride. It definitely is a year to remember and to be thankful for — the achievements, the new-found friendships, the proven relationships, the opportunities and blessings, the lessons learned, the experiences and the people — most importantly the people — . This year wouldn’t have been as bearable and exciting if it weren’t for everyone. It’s one of the best years so far.

Imagine, I get to go back and do what I have loved to do since the dawn of my existence. I get to do so much and there was even a point I wanted to just fail my academics just to spend another year for doing all the things one more time. I got to compete again, I got to be my department council’s team head, got to publish works and had people compliment them, got to perform, got to be credited for the things I’ve worked hard for, GOT TO BE THIN EVEN FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS, and many more!!

2015, you are one sick bastard and I will love you everyday.

2015, thank you for letting me do almost everything and thank you for all the people you’ve let in. They are one of the best, no kidding. Peksman. You, 2015, are the best. You the man! Salute!

And to Lord God for letting me sprint the year 2015 with no scratches or near-death experiences or any injury and sprains, and waking up breathing life out of me for all its days and for making everyone healthy and full of life and love, as well.

But hey, 2016 is just getting started. Who knows what’s in store for me for the next 11 months and 29 days? Maybe it’ll give me more than what I had before!

I will carry no excess baggage. I will leave them up to this point and I will not make any trail marks, just so I won’t find my way back to getting them back. I will keep reaching for my dreams and doing the things I love to do.

This is a new year and I will be the better version of myself. Not a new me, just a tweak on some parts would do. Less hatred, less insecurities, less senseless fights, more dreams, more love, more perseverance. Less sulking in the corner, more basking under the sun, less what-ifs, more what is, less wondering, more wandering. Less of them and more of ME.

“…Live as if this is all there is.”

So 2016, shall we?