Was I really supposed to ran into you that night? Were our paths meant to cross each other? Was I intended to be the one to have held you? Were we meant to be in each other’s lives? Probably not. But if we did, I don’t know what reason there is, what God has planned if he only meant for you to stay in my life not for quite.

I’m sorry.

You were an angel.

You were not on my list. I was never supposed to have brought anything home but these gifts for my family. I was never supposed to bring you home. But then I ran into you, I literally bumped into you. I squeezed myself into this clump of people rushing from and to both parts of the alley. But then you hit me, like a bump car, you electrified me. I looked down at you and I saw your eyes staring back at me. I took two steps away. Then I looked back, but you weren’t looking anymore. I saw how little you were, how you fit into this barred steel cage, aloof of everyone. You weren’t scared. You’re probably used with that kind of crowd. I asked your vendors, they said all your siblings were sold and you’re the only one left. You’re so little. I couldn’t leave you alone with those heartless dog vendors. I know you’d get dumped after that night, if no one took you. You’d go wandering the streets with no one to look after you. I bought you from them, said to myself I will find you a better house to live in. You couldn’t, though, stay at ours for long. We wouldn’t be able to feed you right and treat you with the life you deserve. You’re young, you need all the affection you can get. We won’t be able to give it to you. You deserve another home, one which will give you everything you ought to have needed.

They put you into this plastic cage and tied it with straw. They carried you and put you inside this box like a piece of scratch. They were literally dumping you. I hope you didn’t get hurt. I carried you with me throughout the night, if you must remember. I took you to this mall, snuck you in even if dogs aren’t allowed inside. I introduced you to my friend and I even cradled you in my arms. You laid your head on my arm. You loved doing that, resting your head against my body. You were clingy. We stayed there for quite a while. You behaved well. You didn’t cry, you didn’t pee, you didn’t pooped. You were just sleeping, waiting till we get you home.

I was carrying you all the way, throughout the night of December 31, 2015. I let you stay in my room that night, I slept while looking at you. I know it would be so hard, the time comes when I’ve got to set you free and you’re no longer there, got no one to watch while he sleeps.

We were like two souls that called for each other’s names, whose names were imprinted on each other’s lives on the day before January 2016. You could have been happy, we, could have been one helluva partners.

I dressed you the night of the Media Noche. You were so cute. You were quiet, though. There were fireworks and we were screaming and all but you were sleeping. You just laid there, at the bottom of the sofa, with this floral hoodie I got you to wear which I didn’t wash or clean. I wanted you to wear something in New Year’s Eve. I gave you what was available. It was a little dusty, forgive me, but I just wanted you spoil you. You weren’t scared of the fireworks. You’re a brave boy.

You’re a brave boy, yes. You were a big eater. You liked to eat everyone else’s food. You even wanted to take mine. Whenever I eat, you’d claw your nails to my leg and you’d start whining. You do know how to get my attention, you wise kid. I get scared for you whenever you eat along with the other guys. You eat as fast as you could so you could eat the others’, you didn’t know the rules in the house yet. But it’s okay.

You were an angel.

Couple of nights I laid you by myside along with my stuff toy. You liked to stay near me. Heck, you even stayed beside my face. Do you remember, while I’m about to sleep, you liked to nibble my face, my ears, my fingers, my toes. You’re so cute but you can get so annoying sometimes.

Oh, I remember. A few days after Christmas Eve, you slept with me. I woke up and I didn’t see you by my side. I searched you behind the bed, you weren’t there. Then I looked at the side of it, you were staring at me, wagging your tail as if to say, “Good morning, mom.” I smiled at you, remember? I told you, “Good morning, baby.” Then I cupped your little face and kissed you. You were stinking. Then I picked you up and placed you on my bed. You crawled to my face and started licking it. God, your breath, I swear it smelled like fish. But you always wanted to go out. After a few minutes, you’d go out. But you’d always come in after a while, to sleep.

You loved sleeping.

Whenever I got home, you’d always greet me with a bite. And we’d always step on you because you were always playing (or staying) at our feet. Whenever I wash the dishes, or cook the dinner, you’d always lay your head on top of my feet. You’re always there. Few times we stepped on you, you cried. You were so little. We hardly see you most of the times.

Oh, and you loved playing. With us and with the other fellas. But they were scared of you, Gray on the other hand is a cold-blood towards you. You never got to play with them. Never. You always wanted to play bite and run, but they’d always just run. I wanted to play with you but I’m afraid you wanted to play with them rather. You were a runner. You kept running all around the house, you kept being a child that you were. You were so playful. I wish I could have played catch with you.

You didn’t even know where to poop, I’m sorry I wasn’t there to train you. But I’m going to be honest, I did hated you for a night. Because you literally pooped everywhere in my room and it stink the hell out. You even peed. I was forced to let you stay outside for a couple of nights. I’d hear you whine, but I didn’t come down to pick you up.

Since day 1, I told them I was looking for your adoptive parents. You couldn’t have stayed in this house forever. You wouldn’t be able to eat, there wouldn’t be someone to look after you while I’m away. You wouldn’t be able to play. You wouldn’t be able to do a lot of things and you will, when you get a home of your own. But I didn’t look for one. I wanted you to stay for a bit longer. I even wrote a note and stick it up in my bulletin board “Look for Blackie’s adoptive parents” but never did I contacted anyone. I’m sorry I was selfish. Oh, and I didn’t want to give you a name, at first. I was afraid, if I did, I’d get too attached. I wasn’t supposed to get too attached because I’m a very sentimental and emotional person. And if you leave, I’m going to break.

Last night, I got home without you chasing me or greeting me with a wagging tail or a bite. I looked for you, you were sleeping. You were laying on the sofa, quiet. I went to pet you. You looked lonely. I said I was sorry for not being able to care for you that much. I cupped your boney cheeks. I asked you if you’ve eaten already. I made you dinner, but you didn’t eat it. I even put rice on my palm and placed it on your mouth. But you always looked away, you were not eating. I asked you what the problem was. I thought you were mad or something because you’re not seeing a lot of me anymore. I go out the house at 7am, I go home by 8. And then after that, I’d sleep. I didn’t have time for you. I’m sorry. If you got mad or lonely because of me.

Then just this morning, I woke to the sound of your whining. I forgot to take you up to my room last night. I did my usual routine. Shower. Dress. Shoes. A bite of something inside the fridge. I left. I forgot to look for you and say goodbye. I forgot about you. I freakin forgot to check on you and say good morning and goodbye.

By 3pm, after eating, as I got back to my chair, someone texted me. It was from dad.

Anak iniwan na tayo ni Blackie. Nakita ko siya nakahiga sa CR. Hindi na gumagalaw at hindi na humihinga.

I could not believe what I was reading. I immediately called my sister, she knew it too. Dad told her too. I cried inside the girl’s bathroom. I didn’t want to work anymore, suddenly. I wanted to go home. I cried the whole 2 hours that I was working. I cried inside the room. I cried while I was working. I cried while shutting my laptop off. I cried inside the jeepney. I cried and it became much worse the nearer and nearer I get to coming home. My heart was heavy.

I got home, I knew you weren’t going to run at me and say Hi. I still thought Dad was playing a big joke, though. Then he came, with all the other dogs behind him. I didn’t look for you. I just cried. I asked where you were. He said you were outside the bathroom.

Then I saw you. You were little, laying on a pile of newspapers, ants all over you. I removed them, they were too many. I cried. Hell, I did. I was breaking, for you. I was attached, to you. I felt your body, the minute I did I broke into a loud cry. I could feel your bones. I could feel the sharpness of your ribs. I could feel your skull. You were as hard as a rock. I looked into your eyes, they were shut. But I needed to see them for one last time. I opened your eyes, and there, I see, your black little eyes, as soft as ever. You were so little, and thin. I wished I had let you eat everything you want, I wish I’d let you eat my food even.

I couldn’t feel your fur under my feet. I couldn’t feel your fangs nibbling my fingers. I couldn’t hear you cry anymore. I couldn’t feel you, I thought I would. I thought when someone dies, they lurk around for a while. Why can’t I feel you? I want to be able to feel you one last time. I know that dog heaven would be a better place for you. I know, there, you’d have playmates, buffet, toys, I know you’d be able to do everything you want to do. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to give you everything that I could. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to give you the love that I promised you the night I took you home to our house.

I know you’d be happy in dog heaven, Blackie. Eat lots of food. Maybe if dogs can exist in human world, then maybe dog heaven can co-exist with human heaven. If that is so, if I’m all old and incapable and when I reach that point that I can finally rest, I hope I can see you somewhere. To bid the goodbye that I wasn’t able to say.

I’m sorry for being such an incapable and bad mommy, baby. I know we’ve only been around each other for a short span of time, and they may say it has only been two weeks since you came into my life, but I loved you. I really do. Know that, baby. I didn’t regret buying you in Divisoria. I only regretted not having to be around more, for you. You were just so young and I should have known you still needed me. I love you, Blackie. I love you and now, I don’t want anything but a good second life for you. I hope you’re happy wherever you are now.

I put my thumb on your boney cheeks and I caressed it. And I ran my hand all over your body. I want to memorize every sharpness and every softness. Then I shut your eyes back.

Farewell, my little black doggie.

Farewell, my love.

Farewell, my dearest Blackie.

You’re heaven sent,

You’re an angel.

Loving endlessly,

Human mom.

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