What can I put outside my circle of control?

The quick answer to this is nothing.

Why in the world would I want to give up control? Giving up control makes you weak. It makes you a target. It allows others to walk all over you.

When I was little I had zero control. I had to listen to my parents, my teachers, even my older brother. As I grew up I realized that some of those in control do not have your best interest in mind. Like the neighbor down the street who rewarded me with a dollar after a quick peek down my shirt. Or my babysitter's dad who poked you in the backside when he had you sit on his lap.

Did they have my best interests in mind? At the time I listened to them because they had control. I had deferred my control to them because my mom taught us to respect our elders. I kept my mouth closed because children should be seen and not heard. And because I was threatened.

Okay, maybe threatened isn't the right word but when an adult strongly suggests you not tell anyone because you have little sisters or because your mom will be mad, you listen. It's not their fault I was bad. That I tempted them.

So once I became older I decided I would give up control to nobody. And a funny thing happened.

I gave it up anyway.

This constant need to be in control has a habit of ruining relationships with those I'm close to. But anyone I'm not close with had free reign over everything I do. How else do you explain a 20 year marriage to a narcissist?

I did things for him that I thought I would never do. Ever. He had so much control over me I completely lost myself. But the funny thing is that I thought I still had the control. It wasn't until I left that I realized how much I gave up.

But now I'm in a new relationship and my standards are different. I have decided not to give up control no matter what. And I'm succeeding. And failing. I'm succeeding at keeping him at an arm's length and I'm failing at achieving the close relationship I so desperately crave.

I know I need to release some control. I need to let him know how I truly feel. I need to be vulnerable around him so together we can be strong. I need to trust that he's not like most of the other men in my life.

I need to do a lot. But what I need most is to learn how to let go.