VENICE BIENNALE REPORT 2013HorribleGIFAug 9, 2017·2 min readtouched down at the airport and there is already some aids3d public intervention to greet us.need to make some last minute #seapunk art to justify you riding the normcore coattails (what would those be?) at the peckham palazzo? we suggest you look into these.a leftover jake and dinos chapman sculpture ends up being useful for scarf display at one of the many tourist shops.we see so much shit like this and aren’t really sure what it is besides luring visitors for a selfie opportunity.finally found a restaurant in venice that isn’t utter shit and it has to have some very questionable decoration ffsthe city truly comes alive with art. here is a mike nelson piece. magnificent.here is art critic jonathan jones scuttling back to his airbnb one morning after hitting the aperol spritz way too hard.we were expected to take a shit here. we said “no way!” and did 5 continuous DJ sets for the Ukranian pavilion. invites were very exclusive, better luck next time.saw will gompertz on his way back from the shanghai pavilion. “an unequivocal success for money forced through a tasteless sphincter” he reports, off the record.curator shoes from 1815 BNB “before new balance”artist Ron Jafman, who did this tumblr you might have heard of, made this film-based denouement of the euro-capitalist landscape of italy. the show is really hard to get into though, you have to scan a QR code to teleport in.adrian searle was so worn out by the biennale, he had shrunk to a third of his original size. pale and fragile, here he is escorted home by boat. we know how you feel adrian, it’s hard surviving on free breadsticks and cappuccino.hans ulrich obrist, driven mad by overexposure, rampages through an unresponsive crowd nursing their corporate sponsored vodka drinks.we thought this was an excellent artwork, demonstrating an unusual maturity from Ryan Trecartin’s usual oeuvre. a massive highlight from the “maintenance area” pavillion!this is a common sight. dude walks into a room and looks around, goes and photographs some artwork for about 20 seconds and then leaves, not actually looking at whatever it was he/she was photographing.you also see a lot of irl david lynch scenes like this tableaux occur in front of your eyeballs.this guy had a device that allowed him to see inside everyone’s tote bags.here is a very big installation of what appears to be different kinds of instagram filters. the desolate visitors find it harder to photograph than other things.look at the smug, orgasmic gaze of this iphone weegee selecting his art mark. it’s like a glazed ham in the oven slowly clenching up from the heat, but it’s also like a fetid corpse flower unfurling for it’s annual pollination.ah curators, so noble and elegant — clearing the palazzo of nobodies for that important promo shoot.if you were wondering what happened to jorg heiser’s translator, well, now you know.this is some actual work on display in the arsenale. and our favourite work of the whole beinnale! we assume it is symbolic of the relationship between artist, curator and gallerist. in space.this is our kind of boat. we outta here!