Of Democrats and Taxes
Gather around, boys and girls! The West is on fire, hurricanes are causing legend color schemes to be redesigned, the White House continues to be occupied by the most unlikely collection of deranged misfits, so you know what this means: it’s time to talk about taxes.
Specifically, let’s talk about the curious phenomenon of serious progressives (or the serious phenomenon of curiously-named “progressives”) who take to the pristine pages of our 5th Estate or descend into the gutters of our 6th estate — Twitter, blessed be its name — to express their ambivalence towards paying taxes.
It’s never so overt, no self-identified progressive wants to be caught dead admitting that paying more taxes is not something they’re excited about. The sentiment that dares not speak its name gets attributed to that enemy of progress, that foe of long position papers, that scoundrel class: the American People.
“Come on”, the reasonable liberal patiently reasons, “I am just saying, Americans don’t want to pay more taxes. They’re good folk, they’re hardy folk, they’ll help you when you’re down, but they just have an aversion to taxes. It’s insurmountable, like climate change — wait, I didn’t mean that. It’s a force of nature, something you can’t question, same way you can’t question our financial system first revealed to us in the Constitution. Now me, I love paying taxes, I am tax-positive, as it were. Though I do wonder whether I am paying more percentage-wise than Bernie Sanders, who I am not sure you’ve heard, didn’t even get a job until he was 40. Of course, there were still jobs to get, now it’s all part-time work and the sharing economy and nobody and I mean nobody could get their full-time job at 40 but I digress. Taxes! I want Americans to want to pay them, but they just don’t.”
American liberals, here’s my plea: Be Yourself. If you hate paying taxes, just say so! Be bold, embrace your inner truth and admit you’re a bit conservative-curious. That the R-word — Redistribution — has you reaching for your crucifix, or your garlic garland or whatever you use to keep the commie vampire devils away. You can practice in front of the mirror, the way you practice your affirmations: “I hate paying taxes” instead of “Lean in” and “Go big or go home” and “Love trumps hate”.
And then, when you’re clear, we can start talking like adults about why you feel this way and how to fix it because this country is burning to the ground in every sense of the word and nobody has time for your issues.
