Spy: Not a Movie but an Attack on All That is Masculine and Excellent

While looking for a pay-per-view movie to watch I happened upon a movie called “Spy” and Jason Statham, one of the world’s number 1 alpha males was in it. Obviously, most of the best movies are about spies. James Bond combines the virtues and heroism of a real man in all the best possible ways. I assumed it would be a good movie starring Jason Statham but, fuck, I was so mistaken. This movie is most serious attack on masculinity since “Mad Max: Fury Road”

Just so you know I have a three rule test to that I use to determine if a movie will be good:

A) The movie has to have at least two alpha males in it.

b) The alpha males must fight each other

3) They must fight about who’s the real alpha male

And let me tell you, this movie has none of that! It stars Melissa McCarthy as a CIA desk agent who magically turns into a super spy without doing any real work to get their. Jason Statham is at first presented a great alpha male super spy. He even quits when they let Melissa McCarthy become a real spy. But he is just in their to laugh at, as all the cool real man stuff he does gets messed up. I don’t know why a great man such as Jason Statham would agree to do a movie about how evil and dumb men are. My theory is that he is spying in real life. He appeared in this movie to get in good with The Vagocracy so we can bring them down from the inside. But oops, I shouldn’t say too much, I don’t want to ruin his plot.

According to the movie, McCarthy was actually a super spy at Spy School, but turned into a desk agent because she was in love with Jude Law’s character. Obviously, this is ridiculous on a number of levels, first of all women are never good at cool spy shit. Second, whenever a woman is around at work, they always make her the boss of everything and pay her the most. The real reason McCarthy would not be a field agent is because she’d just want to hang around at CIA Headquarters painting her nails and reading Glamour magazine.

But anyway, the basic plot is that people treat McCarthy the worst and then she’s secretly the best and then she makes fun of men just to mean and this makes her the greatest person who ever lived. In the end, they imply that she becomes a lesbian because “all men are scum” and Hollywood really wants all women to be lesbians. This so they can just make movies with all women, which will save them money because you don’t have to pay them as much as men.

The whole movie is just dumb and unrealistic for too many reasons to mention. I think it was trying to be funny, but as the great Christopher Hitchens said, women aren’t funny. You might be shocked I said something The Vagocracy doesn’t want you to hear, and indeed, I am taking a great risk because I am one of the bravest anonymous Internet posters you’ll meet. And we all know what happened to Hitchens: feminists and Iraqis bullied him until he drank himself to death. Poor soul.

We all know that The Three Stooges perfected comedy and anyone who tries to do comedy after them is just dumb. For the most part, movies should celebrate the greatness of men. Personally, if I ran Hollywood, the best actress award would be replaced by a best portrayal of Steve Jobs award.

Bottom line: The “movie” “Spy” isn’t just bad, its evil. It’s an attack on all that is righteous, good, and American. I rate it Zero Boners.