Houseplants to Transform Your Home into an Evil Villain Lair
“It will poke you.”
By Dom Johnson
In the previous volume, I discussed how I loved morning glories because they are evil. This is true. And it got me thinking about other evil plants that I love.
If, like me, you happen to be in the middle of your villain origin story, you probably need to transform your home into an evil lair for bad guys.
Please enjoy a selection of houseplants that will not only bring a touch of darkness and intrigue to your living space but will also thrive under the most unhinged conditions.
Black Magic Rose
I mean, the name speaks for itself.
With its deep, velvety black petals, The Black Magic Rose is basically the botanical manifestation of Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance.
If you’re looking for a plant that exudes mystery and enchantment, this rose is the perfect centerpiece for your lair, symbolizing your nefarious intentions while adding an air of sophistication and general hotness. Just be careful of its thorns. Because it WILL poke you.
- Light: Full sun. Roses prefer to be outside. But if you want to keep her inside, place her near the brightest window — southeast facing if you can.
- Water: At least weekly during the summer; water whenever the soil is dry to touch
- Soil: Moist, well-draining potting soil.
- Fertilizer: Add a slow-release fertilizer to the soil when initially planting; fertilize every 3–4 weeks subsequently
Raven ZZ Plant
ZZ plants can basically thrive in the darkest, dustiest corners of your home. With unparalleled resilience, it’s impossible not to root for them. But this specific ZZ variety — the Raven — is named after a scary bird. And it has sharp, almost-black leaves. And it’s capable of growing in rooms with basically no light. So it’s a plant for bad guys.
Prop it next to a spooky candelabra or the Declaration of Independence that you stole.
- Light: Low light
- Water: Just, like…whenever. But to be safe, you can water it once every 1–2 weeks.
- Soil: Well-draining indoor potting mix (this is key to its resilience).
- Fertilizer: Mix general all-purpose fertilizer with your watering once a month. Or don’t!
Devil’s Ivy
The Devil’s Ivy, a strain of pothos, gets its name because it is basically immortal, and very difficult to kill. It’s got strong climbing vines with heart-shaped leaves that stay green, even when kept in the dark. This vine plant features heart-shaped leaves with variegated patterns that range from deep green to shades of devilish red.
Like the ZZ plant, Devil’s Ivy is also known for its resilience, making it an excellent choice for even the most neglectful villains.
- Light: Prefers direct, bright light but can thrive in dark environments if needed. You’ll see bigger and brighter growth with more light — but do what you gotta do.
- Water: Every 1–2 weeks, allowing the soil to dry out between waterings.
- Soil: Well-drained, porous indoor potting soil.
- Fertilizer: All-purpose, indoor plant fertilizer.
Bloodleaf
As a true villain, you can’t resist the allure of deep, blood-red foliage. The Bloodleaf plant is the epitome of dramatic beauty, with its vibrant crimson leaves that resemble pools of spilled blood (yikes). With its preference for bright, indirect light, the Bloodleaf thrives in the ambiance of your evil domain, reminding all who enter of your dark intentions.
- Light: Bright, indirect light, or partial shade. If you want to place it in a dark room, consider staging it next to a full spectrum lamp or something.
- Water: Water often, and keep the soil moist to touch
- Soil: Well-draining, loamy soil
- Fertilizer: Every two to three weeks; look for a blend with high nitrogen
Morning Glories (Continued)
Morning Glories visually, are not very villainous. They’re aptly named. Morning glories. They look glorious in the morning. But do not be fooled. They are evil.
What makes morning glories truly bad is their need for control. They need to be the dominant plant in the garden. If you don’t prune them regularly, they’ll take over everything. They’ll choke out your other plants and leave you with nothing but a beautiful, sinister sea of morning glories.
Plant them under southeast sunlight, and they’ll do whatever they can to grow as wide and climb as high as possible. And by “climb” I mean tightly wind their vines in coils around whatever they can get their fuzzy little vines on. If there’s nothing else to climb, they’ll climb themselves, coiling their vines around each other until they reach the sky. They’re like anacondas but cute.
Right now, one of my morning glory is currently growing around the frame of my front door. If I didn’t actively prune the vines, I’d have to use a machete to get in and out of my house every day. I am barely exaggerating.
- Light: The brightest of bright lights AKA the full sun (plant these guys outside)
- Water: Generously during the growing season and dry periods, but reduce watering in winter as they can tolerate drier conditions once established.
- Soil: Moist, well-drained soil
- Fertilizer: They don’t like fertilizer because fertilizer is for babies.
Additional villainous houseplants:
- Bat Flower: With its black blossoms and bat-like tendrils, is a captivating addition to any nefarious hideout, thriving in partial shade.
- Dragon’s Blood: The Dragon Blood Plant, with its fiery red leaves and mystical aura, is a perfect addition to your wicked stronghold or secret hideout, thriving in well-drained soil and partial sunlight.
- Snake Plant: With its striking tall leaves that resemble snakes slithering through the shadows, is an ideal choice for your sinister fortress or covert lair, flourishing in various light conditions and requiring minimal care.
Conclusion
Let your imagination run wild as you cultivate an environment that reflects your villain-era aesthetic. With these plants by your side, you’ll have the perfect green accomplices to help you carry out your nefarious plans. Embrace the darkness, and may your lair be filled with villainous splendor!
Please villain responsibly.
