God on Abortion

Hello everyone,

Given the recent comments made by presidential candidate Donald Trump, I found it necessary to give the world my stance on abortion. I wish it were as easy as checking a box under pro-life or pro-choice, but like most partisan issues in America, there’s always a grey area. And I don’t feel like losing potential followers on any social media platform. I mean, I may have been born forever ago, but I wasn’t born yesterday.

So my answer is simply this: I’m sorry. My bad. I should have never made something as awesome as sex directly related to something as awful as raising a child you never felt like having in the first place. Not everyone is fit to be a parent, and any idiot can have sex. Anyone who has plugged an electric cord into a wall and has the sense of touch knows how and why to fuck. And as soon as someone’s had sex once, they simply can’t get enough. I would argue sex was my best invention ever, so of course accidents were going to happen.

I wish I would have made intercourse and procreation totally unrelated, because let’s face it, children are annoying and dumb and expensive as shit right now. It would be so much easier for everyone if children were exclusively sold on Amazon by willing parties. It would also have indirect positive consequences, such as shutting the door on all the anti-gay rhetoric floating around. The electric cord reference from earlier wouldn’t be used by anyone as an argument for justified hatred and judgement of people that were just born a certain way. People would be free to inter anyone’s course without fear of being called sinners.

On a more serious note, if I had to choose sides, I would have to lean towards pro-choice. Because let’s face it, the world is already overpopulated, and while life is sacred, I pump each load with millions of little lifeys, so calling an abortion a murder is a little melodramatic. And if we are going to criminalize these women on the basis of not holding life as sacred, then shouldn’t we also not hold funerals for or honor anyone “coward” enough to take their own life? After all, if that person was caught killing anyone else other than himself, he’s probably facing murder charges unless a free Steven Avery was nearby.

From a bird’s eye view, this seems less like a moral stance on life and more like a bunch of old white men jealous of promiscuous millennials, sour that they’ve been (not) having sex with the same woman for 30, 40, 50 years. The idea of family values started during a time where the mere survival of our species was contingent on sticking together with strength in numbers to fend off lions and tigers and bears, oh my. The men couldn’t go around sticking their pee pees in whomever they please, because then our little cub babies wouldn’t always have a dad around to protect them when they were being preyed on. Now we own the world and have birth control. Not condoms. God no, not condoms. I’m talking about the pill or the IUD. God-sends if you ask me ;)

More important than all, we need to look no further than what prohibition taught us. Making something illegal doesn’t decrease the use, but rather makes it more unsafe and unregulated. If I really thought women would stop getting abortions if it were illegal, I would (still, probably not) consider it. But it wouldn’t. It would just needlessly create yet another big-time underground market in America where minorities and the poor are disproportionately affected. We already have our hands full with marijuana on that front.

So to sum up, while an abortion is certainly less than ideal, those who oppose it religiously should just leave it to the big man upstairs to pass judgement in due time. Because calling it a women’s health issue while trying to deny them access to the health experts they want is just hypocritical.