Being Here

I really don’t want to be here.

I don’t mean anywhere specific by that. I mean that I find being present and in attendance painful. It’s much easier to dissociate or to medicate. It’s simpler to just go away.

I don’t know how I learned to go away, to dissociate, like that. Medicating was easier.

By medicating, I don’t mean prescription drugs. I mean alcohol and pot. I hear that some people do those for fun or recreation. I did those to survive. They allowed me to feel comfortable in my own skin. I did those to help alleviate the terrible pain that I was in. I want to make it clear that I am not against alcohol or pot. Both have their uses and can be used or abused. For me myself, I can no longer use them. They turned on me.

An acquaintance of mine once described himself as being “one and half ounces short of comfortable.” I could identify with that immediately, because that’s what alcohol did for me. It made me comfortable. It made me feel like I was okay. Within limits, alcohol and pot allowed me to function.

I want to be clear that I wasn’t functioning well anyhow. I want to be clear that despite whatever past I may have had, I made certain choices that brought me to where I am today. I may have been neglected but I could have made other choices.

I also honour the life choices I have made. Some of my choices could have been different, but I have made the best choices that I could, with the knowledge I had then. Still, looking back, there were some pretty shitty choices.

I try not to beat myself up. I try to forgive myself for the choices I made. I try to forgive others. That keeps them from living rent free in my head.

I try and clean up behind me.

I did some things in my past that I am ashamed of. I hurt some people. I’m trying to fix that by opening up. By reclaiming my past. By owning who I am and by reconnecting.

By connecting with my life.

Some days I don’t know if I was abused or neglected. When you grow up a certain way then you accept that as normal. I lived my life like that. I ma still not sure some days.

I just try and forgive.

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