The Role of the Abused

I don’t expect that I what I write here will be without controversy. I just want you to know two things: that I write from my own experience and I write from the heart. I want you to know that I write this to help myself, to shine the light of reality into the crevices of shame and secrets. If I can help you as well, I am truly grateful. If not, I am sorry that this wasn’t for you.

I’m not even sure how to begin.

I have been abused most of my life. I have been enraged over that fact most of my life. I have been sad about that fact and I have acted out. I have harmed myself and I have harmed others. I have made amends the best I know how.

I have yet to take responsibility for my part in the dance. I keep going back.

I AM NOT EXCUSING MY ABUSER.

I am taking responsibility for going back. I want my abuser to give me something. I want my abuser to be there for me. I want my abuser to love me. I want.

It’s not going to happen. Probably. Not now. maybe it was my fault. Maybe if I change then it will be different, to no avail. I want the good stuff and it’s never going to happen. I am taking responsibility.

I need to leave my abuser. I need to leave. Maybe, with help, I can get the courage to go.