The Story So Far

I have made rather a mess of my life. I’m not happy about that at all. It was never my intention. I accept responsibility for the mess I made. If I had known better, I like to believe, I would have done better.

I need to find a way out, and it is being made clear to me that I will have to be the one to find the way. The thing is that I am frightened. I am scared that I will make another mess. If possible, I would rather not do that. I’m not sure how many more times I can do this. I am afraid of screwing up again.

I want to lash out and blame others for where I am at. I can’t do that. I can say that I was given some bad advice through my life. The bad advice was most probably well intentioned. I don’t believe that it was malicious in intent. That doesn’t make it bad advice. The other problem is that I kept believing the bad advice. The other problem is that I wanted it to be good advice and to work for me.

That’s why I held onto the advice. That’s why I kept doing what the bad advice was. That’s why I kept doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That’s why I acted insane. Because I was insane.

In many ways I am returning to sanity. I hope I make it there.

In this wacky, zany world much of our identity is tied up in what we do. Or, let me restate that, much of MY identity is tied up in what I do. Right now, to me, in many ways I am worthless, or at least, I feel that way. I don’t feel that I provide value. I also don’t feel like I have proper guidance.

If I was aware, or less able, the total number of possible roads would be limited. I would have fewer choices. As it is, I feel indecision. I feel stuck.

SHOULD I volunteer somewhere? SHOULD I help out somewhere? SHOULD I look for part time work and if so, what SHOULD that work be. SHOULD I go back to university and finish my degree? I want to do THE RIGHT THING. I want to do the thing that I SHOULD. SHOULD I even be blogging this? In a very childish way, I want to be GOOD.

Many of my friends have the comfort of a higher power in their lives. They trust that their higher power guides them if they allow it to. I wish I had that comfort right now. It would be nice to know that I had the love and guidance of someone or something that could take care of me. That could guide me. That could assure me that all of my decisions, if made with proper intent, would be positive in some way.

I don’t want a God. I want a Mommy or a Daddy. Mine were broken. It is not their fault. That is the way the universe works sometimes.

Having said that, it is now my responsibility to parent myself, along with the universe. It is time for me to love me. To guide me. To tell me that I am loved. To help me to make decisions that I am afraid to make and to comfort myself.

It doesn’t matter that I am not qualified. I am all that I have and I will also learn by doing. I feel paralyzed.

Today I will comfort myself. Today I will do what I can. Tomorrow I will make a plan for the week and I will follow it to the best of my ability. I will nurture myself the best that I can. I will forgive myself for not being perfect, as I forgive others for not being perfect. If I succumb to temptation, I will remind myself that I am not perfect. I will do my best to not act out.

My will be done.

I love me. I love you.