It has been three days since I last posted a blog entry. The reasons for that are somewhat complicated: I started orientation for school which starts officially in two weeks, things have been going relatively well, I have been busy with my mom, while the words and stories I tell seem to be unashamed, I still get bursts and flashes of shyness. Mostly, school is coming up.
I am afraid that when school starts, I will lose myself. I am afraid that, vindictive as my mom is, she will start a campaign of some sort against me, for a reason that only she knows, based either on a fabricated dream she once had, or a true misdeed from over thirty years ago.
I am afraid that, somehow, I will not succeed.
I am afraid that it will not work out with one of my professors. That I will fail. That none of the other kids will want to play with me at recess. That somehow, I will screw up. I am afraid.
I don’t want to screw up.
I am doing my best to set things up so that it will work out properly. I am honestly working things out the best i can. I am setting up safety nets. I hope it’s enough.
Honestly though, I feel good. I really feel good.
I have depression, anxiety and joy.