Based on all the descriptions I’ve put up here of my trials at the office, you might think I’m a bad worker. I think so myself, sometimes. But that doesn’t bear out in the more measurable ways: I keep getting consistently good ratings in my reviews with management, and I’m told I’m viewed as the preferred go-to guy for all sorts of tasks. This latter causes part of the problem I’ve complained about before regarding not really having a focus here.
But this is an odd juxtaposition to the reality, which is that I’ve been sufficiently overtasked, exhausted, and disengaged from everything that interests me that I am in a state of complete non-caring. I do not give a fuck anymore. I can go through rote tasks and all, but I don’t feel any need to put in genuine effort for any of it. Indeed, I’m often punished for doing so with second-guessing.
At present my status report reads like a shotgun blast of assorted roles and needs, most of which have little in common with each other. Spoke with my manager yesterday to try to explain that I’m overtaxed here and can’t keep all of this in progress. He made some noises of understanding and then completely blew me off and changed the subject. We’ll wait and see if he remembers that when something falls apart.
None of this is to say I’m miserable, not exactly that. I used disengaged a couple paragraphs back and that’s probably true enough, but most of the rest of it is just this oppressive sense that none of it matters. My primary duties for the moment are around a multi-year, 1.5mil project around a subject with which I’m quite familiar, but said duties are so… silly, I guess, that I can’t find the time to feel useful. And although others around me get frustrated with this or that as well, nobody else seems to share a similar sense of “this is ridiculous, what the hell”. It’s like I’m in some sort of project-focused existential crisis. I can almost hear a couple of coworkers suggesting I find a way to push myself and find a new challenge in regards to the project, but it’s not that kind of difficulty I’m having.
There’s no challenge that needs me, just wall to wall silliness and panic.