We once again come to one of my whining, psychological posts. They seem to crop up in the summertime.
Today, Regular Car Reviews released an excellent piece on the 2005 Cadillac XLR. I appreciate the whole thing but a line at the end gets me.
“The XLR is for the Gen-X professional. Someone in his early 40s, someone who’s in between deciding what to do with the rest of their life and coming to the realization that inertia has already decided for them.”
I’m not in my 40s yet, got a few years to go. But regardless, this applies. Because this is exactly where I’m waffling at with myself, in my head, all day long (when I don’t quiet it with alcohol). I fight inside with “do I really want to be doing this? What’s the point?” And at the same time I always know that I’ll never bother to get out of this rut and into a new one. I know all too well what Mr. Regular is referring to. Perhaps that realization came a long time ago.
Even if I didn’t think it was too late to change, I doubt I could muster the courage, the energy, and the general willpower to allow me to do so.
I hate this place, and yet I love this place. It will never change. It will never meet where I want to be. But I also don’t know where I want to be, and lacking that, have no need to change. Or maybe I do need to change and that’s what the problem is… oh hell I don’t know.
I sit here in a conference room bashing all of this out between meetings, a good amount of pre-existing internal turmoil needlessly being blogged because the internet somehow isn’t full to bursting with this shit already. The project manager du jour walks in and of course just sees me typing away. My boss will likely be along later. I wouldn’t speak to either of them about this of course. What good would it do: they’re comfortable in their ruts, old enough to be accurately described as “just riding it out to retirement”. That’s their motivation: stretching it out to the end.
But mine is… what? Getting paid until I can reach the point of riding it out? Perhaps that’s it.
The problem isn’t with this place, it’s with me. But I don’t know what the problem really is to fix me. To make me want to jump to other ships going in different directions.
I’d really just like to burn it all down.