Midnight Rain

Missing Mom

She is in the midnight pouring rain.

It pounds against the aluminum siding and wakes me.

I feel her. I hear her. I miss her.

My tears fall as I remember being awoken that night. Receiving the call, that you had passed on. My first thought was, “I am a motherless child now.” I remember the drive to see you. It was numbing. All I could hear was the pouring rain and the windshields attempting to clear my view.

My tears flow. I begin to wail. The tingling in my grieving body comforts me. Somewhere deep within this pain, I feel you. I close my eyes and I see you. You are in here. I reach to touch you but you seem distant. Damn, did I piss you off again? I am mad at myself for not being a better daughter.

I gasp for air, and I am awoken. I am reminded that you are gone again. Why can’t we just stay in that moment together, longer?

I miss you mommy. I miss you so much.

We all miss you.

Your boys; you would be in awe of how big they have gotten. It feels almost wrong to watch them grow up without you. I remember last Mother’s day, when Kaio laid his head against your shoulder. You said it made you sad. You knew that he knew, you would be gone soon. You were the most special person to him.

You were the one who kept me grounded. You were my ally, my rock. The one who protected me from all the injustice. Whatever life threw at me, I knew I had you.

It’s hard to remember how it felt when you weren’t sick. I miss those days the most. It hurts you can’t be here to watch Lucy grow. We all need you so much.

I sit up in my bed and listen to the storm. I smell the spring air. I remember the numbness of that night. I remember knowing that I would forever change and

I have.