A Wall of Consequences

Even when we recover, when we improve, when we bounce back and work hard the consequences of our failure follow us. The choices we made remain. The payment is still due. The fracture in the soul of a life remains unhealed. A broken life cannot be restored alone. Yet I am alone.

Last week I found an opportunity for redemption. A family member needed my help and combined with the expected bonus from my employer I was able to move him from jail to rehab. It took my entire paycheck but the bonus would sustain my rent and I would have the feeling of accomplishment not just as a worker but as a human being who was paying forward the help I so undeservedly received in the past.

But the bonus didn’t come. Next pay they assured me. A day later it all fell apart. Due to a robbery at the store we failed to meet our standard for cash variances so the $400 vanished into nothing. In a sense my employer made about $1500 in saved bonuses off a $125 robbery.

So now Friday I will be evicted. I will be homeless; maybe only for a week as I continue to work. Yet I cannot reach out to friends for help; I’ve built a wall of consequences held up by a foundation of mistrust; richly deserved mistrust.

I will work six of those days and try to write about my experiences. Reno is a dangerous town and I am in a dangerous position but it is what I deserve. I built this wall now I must stare it down and trust myself. I’m afraid yet resolute that I will come through; if I don’t; I don’t. But at least the tipping point was a noble act, not a self-destructive foolish act. Cold comfort indeed but comfort nonetheless.

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