Acceptance-personal (includes some things previously mentioned in other post)
Ok I feel inspired to write about acceptance….more specifically mine
So this is being written for anyone who chooses to read it.
Not really sure how to start so I’m just going to type…
I didn’t experience racism until my junior or senior year of high school. My best friend at the time was white I was raised by my mom’s side (they’re white) I kept hearing that white people were racist yet….never saw it. In high school there was a black guy he’ll remain nameless….he called me a mutt and went on to insult my mother not because he knew her but because he knew the color of her skin….I couldn’t believe the things that came out of this kid’s mouth…..and for the sake of not reliving the horrible feeling I will stop my story about him. I got called a “white girl” by a few people I was friends with on different occasions yet they were usually people joking about it because they were called white too it’s not about the color of your skin….apparently people believe you can act a color….needless to say I disagree.
What I can say is I don’t believe an entire race should be stereotyped or punished for mistakes of a few….So all this talk about whites killing blacks and blacks killing whites should be simplified to STOP KILLING [period].
On a different note…..I’ve more recently started discussing my sexuality somewhat openly. Over the past few years I’ve had a million and one labels tagged to me (I’m gay, I’m a lesbian, I’m pretending to be straight, I’m straight, I’m bi…..I’m confused) here’s my problem….I would prefer to just be Chelsie. That sounds bad and doesn’t answer any questions but saying “I like what I like” leaves me labeled as pan. After looking at definitions and what that truly meant I started considering the fact that it could fit me but at the same time there were one too many problems with that. At this point in time….I am satisfied without a label. If that means I get to be happy then that is what I am going to do.
I personally love the idea behind legalizing gay marriage but it doesn’t have to be because I am…it means I support the idea that “love is love.” To me, there is nothing more beautiful than seeing true love. I read an article about a straight couple who vowed to get divorced if gay marriage was legalized because it goes against their ideas of marriage…I just kept thinking “if you are against gay marriage don’t get gay married” lol.
Now, size….you know fat, skinny, thick (which apparently some people believe means fat yet to others its simply having a little more curves etc.). As much as I would love to say I was never skinny….I was. Up until I hit puberty I was really small…no boobs….like a little stick with a bobble head (or so I’ve heard). Then my body bounced between being borderline fat and thick….my weight changed frequently. I was insecure and bullied which eventually lead to me having an eating disorder (over a few years it changed from simply choosing not to eat and being bulimic which I’ve just recently been able to say out loud). It became more of a problem as my sisters grew up…really skinny and as they developed curves and my cousin being around it became more apparent that I was the oddball. I still sit back remembering a day when we were all in the car and the middle child went looking through my old fb pictures saying “what’s the difference” and laughed…. (At the time I didn’t even know what she was looking at) my cousin responded “she got thicker” and after me asking to see the picture and my sister saying no my cousin showed me. We both remembered the days that I would just kind of pass out but I got to be thankful because I was small…however, at the time I still thought I was too big. I don’t think they knew how bad that hurt….my mom just said she couldn’t remember me ever being that small…she didn’t even know that I wasn’t eating. Someone told me I had the choice to change and I started running but I still wasn’t eating (that wasn’t a good idea) I so desperately wanted to be small that I didn’t care. The sad part is now I will eat one meal a day most days unless I’m around other people then I might eat so they don’t become suspicious…but on the days I do eat more than that I feel physically sick (comes from getting used to throwing it back up)
I’ve suffered from depression since like 15 (there are quite a few things that caused it that I’m not exactly ready to talk about but I guess most of what I’ve talked about so far has contributed). It has worsened since then and eventually I sought help….but it didn’t seem to work…at this point it’s been a while since I’ve seen someone and I’m considering going again because there are days I don’t want to talk, or eat, or move and I can’t pin-point why. But I can remember conversations from optimistic friends who got tired of talking to me because I was “always sad.” So I started bottling things up inside….which had a very negative effect on me later….. (Don’t really think I’m ready to continue with this section)….
Let’s get this straight….I HATE LABELS.
I’m not black enough nor white enough, not straight enough nor gay enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not happy enough and all that has me left with is this constant feeling that I’m not good enough.
So I stopped focusing on labels and trying to accept myself for exactly who I am….attempting to surround myself with people who could do the same.