I am Chelsie

Most of my life I’ve dated men. However, in the 7th grade I watched a movie and there was a gay girl who’s family disowned her because of that and she ended up dying at a party or something. This caused me to ask my mom if she would accept me if I was gay to which she responded, “I thought you were.” At the time I am pretty sure she was joking, however that thought was always in the back of my mind.

Years went by and she would meet a series of guys and hear of my hatred towards the girls at my school (I was bullied a lot not for any particular reason though). At 21, around December, I saw a video on instagram of these 2 lesbians talking about their sexuality etc. and it triggered something inside of me. I nervously contacted my best friend and told her I believed I was gay. She responded, “You say this all the time” (I asked a lot of people on multiple occasions if they would accept me if I was gay and constantly said I was going gay but nothing came of it). But I elaborated and told her I had never felt a stronger feeling in my life. So I began my search for a woman. I met a series of people but only one truly caught my eye. We spoke and things went really fast before I knew it we were together (December 12). I had never felt more myself than when I was with her. However, there was one problem, considering I had never been with a girl before her I had to say I was bi and that title didn’t fit me very well. Eventually we had that conversation and saying I was gay became ok…accepted

Unfortunately, with my new found acceptance of myself I had to endure problems with my family. Though my mother had previously stated that she’d accept me she seemed to have the biggest problem with it. She didn’t understand how I could give up men and I didn’t understand why I was with them for so long. My grandmother said something along the lines of not accepting me or my sexuality or something like that. My sisters and cousins…..well they kind of knew and didn’t care. I told everyone I felt they should be happy for me because I was finally happy.

Over a few months things slightly changed.

My mother became more open to the idea of me being…happy. And then….things went wrong with the girl of my dreams (hehe started thinking of the J. Cole song) and we broke up. But I’m thankful for her because she taught me a lot about myself. [It took me a very long time to view the situation that way because I sacrificed so much for her]

I cannot stand labels……I have been considered straight, bi, and a lesbian (gay) and for some reason I struggle to believe I truly fit any of those categories. To say I was a lesbian implies my love for the men of my past was a lie and it was very real. To say I’m bi implies that I feel the same way about both sexes and that isn’t true. And straight? Yea….no. I recently looked up pansexuality and I do believe I fit that a little better “Hearts not Parts.” But there are still some details that don’t exactly work…..someone told me no one ever fits something 100%. Right now I don’t put a label on myself. I will admit to liking women but beyond that……I’m not gay, not straight, not bi, not pan….

I am CHELSIE.

So I am….unsure about what I am but I know what I’m not.