There is a light at the end of this long tunnel

I only have three months of grad school left. What happened to the last 9 months?! Where did they go?

I am starting the last “semester” if you will, of graduate school. In three short months, I’ll have a master’s degree. This is crazy. I never thought I’d get here. It’s been almost a year since I started this crazy journey, thinking that a year was so far away.

The last few months have gone by so fast; they were very similar courses, that focused on a revision process. We revisited past projects in order to revise them to be significantly better than the first time around. There is so much that we’ve learned throughout the whole program, that I didn’t know in doing these projects the first time. This has been an invaluable process.

This last month, I worked solely on the project for Electric Elephants, a fictitious EDM concert supporting preservation and protection of elephants and their habitats. There were a lot of separate projects in this project as it was the focus of two months worth of work. The first step was a moodboard to establish the narrative of the brand, then website comps, then a logo with animations, and then a promotional video for the event. I kind of did the revision process backwards, which was really not the best idea. I started working on the video, and in that process, I realized that I wanted to redo the whole narrative of the brand. So I went through the whole thing kind of awkwardly.

But in this process, I got really discouraged. My brain kind of shut down for a little while. I got to the point where I didn’t want to do homework because I wanted to quit. I had thoughts of why am I still doing this? Why did I think I could actually do this? That’s ridiculous.

My whole life, I’ve constantly doubted myself and my ability to shine. There’s always something holding me back. It just happens. I always found it hard to find what I’m really truly good at. There were a lot of things, but nothing I was really super passionate about that I could do full-time. I could never decide what I wanted to be when I grew up.

This month tested my confidence in myself, and my trust in my ability and the affirming words of the people who support me. I made it through the month and made all the deadlines, but I didn’t get nearly as much as I had wanted to because of my designer’s block and my lack of confidence in my skills. I’ve come up with something I’m happy with, but it’s not nearly at the place I want it to be. And that’s disappointing.

I just have to keep telling myself that I matter, that my talent is real, and that I can finish this program and be something I’ve always dreamed I could be. I’ve always wanted to do something with art, I just never knew what I wanted to focus on. I’ve found a home with photography, but I want something else that can add to that skill. I want to be a double threat. Just doing photography isn’t enough for me.

I know I’m skilled, but I also know that I’m not even close to being a professional. I know though that I can get there with hard work and dedication to not just art and design, but also to my future family, my current family, and most importantly, myself.

And I’m almost there.