If you had told me when I was sitting on that floor crying staring at the positive result what a blessing it would be, I’d tell you, you were lying.
If you’d let me see into the future, I still wouldn’t believe you.
All so clearly I can still hear the responses,
“well what are you gonna do?”
“don’t tell him
“we’ll go ‘handle’ it”
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t consider.
But the honest truth is, I was more scared to get on that table than to take a chance at raising you.
If nothing else, I knew you’d love me. Something I wanted so badly from my paternal parent but didn’t get. Somehow, I thought this would fill that void.
But I now realize it couldn’t.
The truth is. You saved me. From me.
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God sent you into my life at a point that I needed a life line. A reason. A responsibility.
You were all that. And more.
After I picked myself up off that floor, I pulled myself together. And the thought of you gave me endurance I never had before.
I wanted so much for you that I knew I couldn’t give you at that time. But I knew I eventually would.
Young, dumb and altogether lost, you gave me the motivation I needed to be the best me I knew and know how.
That bathroom floor I sat and cried on was the very place I could have died but instead I was given a new life.
I can’t explain to you exactly where I was in that time, because the reality is I truly was lost.
The only comparison I have is that I felt like a dog chasing its tail. Or a circus clown trying to balance.
Had you not come, I don’t know that I would have ever finished my first degree, let alone my second.
I sat up at night with you propped up on a pillow reading my textbooks to you. I wanted you to be proud.
When I walked across that stage and got that degree, it was for you more than me.
It was also for the people who told me I was ruining my life by having you. Saying things like, “you are only gonna become a statistic.”
I went on to get the second degree because I knew we needed more. I’d be doing homework at the same time as you. I wanted you to know that we are never too old to keep learning.
It was nothing short of the grace of god that I juggled working full time, school full time, and still being able to raise you.
He truly equipped me for what he gave me.
Being your mother can be so hard at times. As you grow older, I see so much of my past staring at me and so much of a man I never planned to attach myself to.
All in one of my biggest blessings.
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I do my best, but I fall short and fail often. I decide I’m giving up. But then get swept over with that same energy I had when I found out about your mere existence. You deserve more.
So I give more.
It has been trial and error. Man I’ve completely bombed this mom thing more than a time or two.
But I hope you always know, I am truly doing my best.
I jokingly say, “the measure of my success is that you grow up and don’t need therapy” Lol.
Even if you do, I gave you my all.
I truly hope you know and understand that.
I am thankful for the woman your grandmother is, as she taught me things I didn’t realize until there was you. Things I hated during the lesson.
I am thankful for the man god gave us to cover our home. I think you knew from the beginning how much he loved us both. It made the transition into a family, from it being just me and you that much easier.
I love watching you grow into your own person. Although it scares me, and aggravates me even more, at times. I know you will be and do great things.
I thank god for you, and love you more than you’ll ever know.
And even though you are the child I did not plan, I am truly blessed that you were a part of HIS plan for me.
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