Nailing The No-Makeup Look: 4 Steps Any Woman Can Use

This is a response to every, single, “nail, the, no-makeup, look,” piece, I, have, seen, shared, across, the, internet.
So you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Why in the hell am I taking makeup tips from a heterosexual, cisgender man? What kind of fucking Bill O’Reilly hellscape did I just step into?” Well, when it comes to the elusive “No-Makeup Look”, I’m an expert. I have been nailing it for decades, and I guarantee my exclusive technique will make people around you think, “Wow, she’s naturally beautiful!”, while also saving you time and money.
Step 1: Snooze, bitches.
When you hear your alarm going off, just hit the snooze button on that motherfucker. Why? My technique is going to save you 30 minutes this morning. In fact, if you’re reading this ahead of time, just set your alarm 30 minutes later than you usually would. Sleep is fucking glorious, and we don’t get enough of it.
Step 2: Wash your face.
When you do roll out of bed, head to the bathroom, and prepare your face for the no makeup look. Just wash your face however you prefer. Everyone has different skin, so pick something that keeps things from being too oily or dry. (I’m not a goddamn dermatologist, and my skin is naturally clear. I literally never wash my face with anything but water and a washcloth. Not even soap. It’s pretty rare for me to have any zits. I know you hate me, but I can’t help it. I was born this way — a natural goddamn beauty.)
Step 3: Brush your teeth.
Just because you’re going with this look doesn’t mean anyone close enough to talk to you should know about how fierce your breath is when you wake up. Plus, maybe you’re the kind of sick fuck who eats garlic knots for breakfast. Go brush your teeth, because you’re a fucking sophisticated woman, not my Uncle Todd, wolfing down blue cheese and garlic chicken wings at a family reunion while he gleefully tells you about being a high school linebacker in 1974.
Step 4: Don’t put on any makeup.
There it is! Save yourself somewhere between $3.50 and $8.00 this morning before you head to a job where you’re paid 15–25% less than your male counterparts, who incidentally, are also rocking the no-makeup look. Keep this no-makeup look up, and you’ll save yourself enough money to buy a goddamn house someday. Then, you can invite over all your feminist friends and have a giant vegan, Wiccan, lesbian scissoring orgy on top of a stack of Bibles… or whatever it is that the GOP thinks women do when they gather.
Now, I get it, maybe you like being pretty, “putting your face on” and getting put together in the morning. That’s totally fine. But if you’re just having one of those days where you don’t feel like it, that’s just fine too. You don’t have to try for the “no-makeup” look to pull it off. Just make sure you wiped the drool off your face and cleaned any visible boogers out of your nose.
One last thing: I’d like to dedicate this post to my lovely girlfriend Erin who was terrified when I told her I wanted to write a Medium piece about not wearing makeup.

Most of the time, when she’s getting ready for work in the morning, I have no idea whether or not she has already put her makeup on. I’m clueless, and I see her every damn day. Chances are, the men around you won’t notice either. You give men way too much goddamn credit. Sorry, but we’re just not that observant.
Stay gorgeous, ladies*.
*(… and men/GNC people out there who wear makeup too, because it’s not just women wearing makeup and that’s okay. Do you.)
