Medium Release Notes

The Weasel and the Trumpet

The following is an entry into Medium’s release note contest, meant to make fun of the 2016 US Presidential Election.

Listen, before we sent this app update there were so many problems. People are sick and tired losing to these issues. Our app was giving people a terrible user experience. And when it did, it was bringing the worst of the worst: crashes, unresponsive UIs, slow load times.

We need to get back to a winning Medium app.

Let me tell you, this is going to be the greatest update you’ve ever seen! Just in time for Halloween, we brought back some spiders, and they’ve been doing some great web development for us over here. Our people, and we have some great people on Medium, we’ve had so many of them call us up, to thank us for getting rid of all of these bugs for them. It’s fantastic.

I mean, look at what happened to Yahoo. They weren’t careful with their users’ data. Nobody wants to use Yahoo’s Tumblr now. And where did all those emails end up?

This update brings a Medium bigger, better, and stronger than ever before. It’s ready to enter the greatest office in this country — yours! With this, we’re going to build, a tremendous online community so big, that all these other news and blogging sites won’t even be able to compete.

We’re going to make writing great again! Believe me! Believe me…

Further Resources

Evan Puschak’s video, How Donald Trump Talks — A great video that observes some important characteristics of his speech

Emily Atkin’s piece for ThinkProgress on Medium, which was used to help make the video above, I also found useful.

Lastly Barton Swaim’s piece for the Washington Post, was also useful for myself, and the author of the video above.