A FRUSTRATING VIRTUE

I can’t quite recall any other time in my life where I’ve been required to have this much patience. Sure as a kid you have to wait for Christmas or school holidays but most things in life, at least at that stage of life are usually on a set schedule. You know when it’s coming, it’s a certainty. So is waiting for their arrival actually showing patience?

A fairly comprehensive definition of Patience is:

Tolerant and even-tempered perseverance; the capacity for calmly enduring pain, trying situations; the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain without complaint, loss of temper, or anger; an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay; quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence.

The situation I find myself in now is possibly the first time in my life where I feel that patience is most definitely required. Not just because I have to wait for something I want. But because if I am not patient, if I place too much pressure too soon then I will push away that which I am hoping will draw near.

But the waiting for what I want is only half the battle. If I’m completely honest that statement would infer that this ‘something’ was guaranteed to arrive, like Christmas. But to be frank, I am not entirely sure that it will. The ever present fear of rejection is looming large. What I am unsure of most is, how long will I be waiting, how much pain will I have to calmly endure before it’s made clear that which I am waiting for is not coming after all. That very statement shows a sense of impatience and defeatism that simply cannot exist if one is to show an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay. Perhaps another addition to that should be ‘doubt’. “When confronted with delay or doubt”. Be it doubt in the desired outcome, or just straight up, good old fashioned self-doubt. Am I on the naughty or nice list. Will it be a new bmx or a lump of coal.

For the last 14 months the shadow of self doubt has danced across the landscape of my life relentlessly. Sometimes the shadow is long and dark, other times it’s been merely a flicker. But that’s generally item specific. There are just some areas of my life where I’ve always been fairly confident. These have remained fairly consistent over the years. But the last 4–5 years has been a season of massive upheaval. There are so many things I am confronted with that seem so foreign to me that I often get confused. I question my abilities, I am unsure of my own capacity to succeed. I’m 37 years old, surely I have experienced these things in some way before now, surely I have some well of experience to tap into to help me negotiate these chicanes. To guide me through the tempest. But more often than not I am at a loss to recall anything. I honestly can’t remember having prior dealings with these troubling emotions or situations etc. and that is at times rather alarming.

Putting that weird occurrence aside, the doubt I have in this case is not in my ability, it is most definitely not in my willingness to suppress the restlessness brought on by this delay. It is the difficulty in believing that it will even arrive at all.

It appears that this act of patience that is so desperately required at this juncture has an even more difficult second sting to the tail… Faith. As I am uncertain of the eventuality of that which I desire so badly, I am forced to acknowledge the additional need for faith. If that’s even the right word. I have to have faith that it WILL come. I have to believe that my patience will be ‘rewarded’. Because it will be a huge reward believe me. That which I desire so badly is quite possibly the greatest earthly reward any humble human can receive. To be loved. I’m not talking about love as just a noun. I am talking about loved as a noun, a verb and a state of being. To be loved wholly and without hesitation or doubt is truly a magnificent feeling. But to be loved wholly, without doubt or hesitation, by that which one loves wholly, without doubt or hesitation is to feel an unmistakable peace and pride in ones existence.

That is what I am hoping will come, it’s what I want to provide. To show unyielding love and support and to be loved without doubt or hesitation is what I have so fiercely desired for well over 14 months now. The subject of that desire is unquestionable, and has been for quite some time. However the certainty of the outcome is far from unquestionable.

Lately that certainty has been battered and shaken rather severely. Not on my side of the journey. My path is clear, and has been for a long time. But due to my banishment from ‘life’, and many other factors the journey has gone somewhat off course for the subject. It is this deviation that has prolonged the need for patience on my behalf and more importantly to note, it is also the primary cause of this doubt and fear that at times cripples me.

I remember writing some time ago that expecting My Love to do something or to be something is like trying to tell the wind how or when to blow. Sure man can create devices, structures to harness the wind, even stop it from being felt. But the wind still blows when and where and how it damn well pleases, you just have to brace yourself for the strong gusts and soak in the cool breeze when it arrives. So I am under no illusions that this time of required patience could be expedited in anyway. Just like the wind it will come when it damn well pleases. But unlike the ever present sea breeze on a hot summer’s day, this breath of wind, in all honesty, may never come.

So the act of patience, that ability to suppress restlessness or annoyance is further tested by the uncertainty of the very existence of that which I am waiting for. This is where I know my capacity for calmly enduring pain and trying situations will be surely tested. I have no doubt that my willingness is there, I have zero hesitation in my commitment to the cause. I am afraid however, that I will be cut adrift again. That I will be patiently waiting for something that will never come and possibly was never really going to come at all. This is where the need for quiet steady perseverance, even tempered care and diligence is required most.

There are so many bogies in that task. Quiet. Steady. Perseverance. Even tempered… Holy shit, I’m fucked ha ha. But if the last year has taught me one thing, patience is all about being peaceful in the process. A truth proven ever so pertinent over the course of the last week’s events.

Patience is a virtue, one interpretation of the definition of ‘virtue’ says: According to its etymology the word virtue (Latin virtus) signifies manliness or courage. You’re damn right! This act of patience, this virtue is all about courage. Do I have the courage to step into the unknown. This doubt and uncertainty within me is far from ‘manly’ but courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. Persevering through pain and uncertainty, despite restlessness and annoyance without anger or complaint. That is what I have to do for that which I desire so badly. I am willing, I pray that I am able. But most of all I pray that the courage required to be patient will not falter due to my own fear or doubt. The reward at the end of this journey is far too great to jeopardize by being impatient. Quite simply the mere possibility of that which I desire so badly is worth all of the pain and frustration. The delay, the waiting for its arrival only makes the reward that much richer.