This is so fucken hard! I know I’m doing the right thing but I just hate this. I hate it so much. I hate the fact that ‘this’ is what it has come to. I hate the fact that ‘this’ is the right thing to do. Why can’t the right thing be what it was in June? Us together and happy, stepping forward together with nothing but love, joy and happiness ahead of us. Oh that’s right, because she fucked it all up! No I shouldn’t say that. She can’t help that somewhere over the last year (maybe longer) she decided that I wasn’t worth the wait. A wait I might add she insisted on undertaking! She can’t help that somewhere over the last year (maybe longer) she decided that i wasn’t worth trying for. And she certainly can’t help that somewhere over the last year (maybe longer) she decided to enter into another relationship with a total loser without first ending ours. She can’t even be held accountable for the fact that when I did return to seek answers she jumps straight back into a relationship (of sorts) with me… Ok maybe that one’s on me. But she definitely can’t help that somewhere over that short re-relationship she decided that she would put in an Oscar winning performance as the loving, devoted sweetheart completely fooling me the whole time into thinking that she actually loved me, when really she was just playing me as bait to lure this douche bag back into her web. None of that could be helped, of course. She had no idea that any of this could possibly be misconstrued as mean, deceitful treatment of possibly the only person who actually genuinely cares about her and loves her despite her nastiness. I mean who could possibly interpret those behaviors and horrid acts as a bad idea?

Yet despite all of that, this plucky young fella stays true to his word and makes sure that this girl, the one who lied to him, cheated on him, abandoned him and then used him knows without a doubt how much she is loved, respected, wanted and appreciated every day he is fortunate enough to hold her attention for just a fraction of a minute.

So what does she do? Lulls him into a false sense of security via her serpentesque qualities of deception. He actually believes she’s sorry and really does want him like she’s said she did. Unfortunately the exact same time she’s saying these beautiful lies to him, she’s eagerly arranging a passionate reunion for her and her loser. Of course she is forced to then tell another lie to hide her greater deception, and tells our lovesick fool she is unwell and their plans for the day have to be cancelled. But this idiot rushes to her side, spending his last $10 on supplies to help her feel better, only to discover the horrible truth literally lying in her bed. The douche has landed and our fool is crushed, I mean literally destroyed, the physical pain i felt in my chest at that moment is indescribable. My heart once full of hope, joy and love is utterly shattered. She nailed me good and proper.

If this were Shakespeare our fool would have stumbled out of this gut wrenching scene into a torrential downpour, torn his shirt and fallen to his knees weeping in anguish at this tragic betrayal. To be honest if I could have i would have put a bullet right through my own heart then and there Ending the pain once and for all.

But This isn’t Shakespeare and our fool has more pluck left in him, he is devastated but resilient. He can’t help that over the last year (maybe longer) he has devoted his entire self to becoming a man who learns from his mistakes. He can’t help that over the last year (maybe longer) he has committed his heart to this woman not because of what she does but because of who she is. He can’t even help that over the last year (maybe longer) he came to realise just how hurt and unappreciated this girl has been her entire life and the impact that has had on her that he is determined to not let this continue any longer. He can’t help that he made a promise to always make sure this girl knew she was loved, wanted and appreciated every day he was blessed to be in her life. He committed himself to this cause, a cause worth fighting for and he is either too stubborn or just strong enough to not give up that fight yet.

So what happened next? Rather than curse the girl for her deception and betrayal this fool offers her forgiveness and understanding. A broken heart held together just barely by sheer force of will is working just enough for another bash at what will now be known as the ‘callous continuation of crippling cowardice’. Also know as back and forth until everything is nothing. But wouldn’t you believe it this fuckwit stills sees past all of this shit and throws everything he has at making sure he keeps his promise and that every effort is made to support and encourage this walking contradiction. As luck would have it fortune appears to be favouring our battered and broken boy. The girl begins to show signs of life. Her spark. starts to return. The brightness in her eyes becomes more vivid and she begins to step out of her self imposed shadows into the warm glow of possibility. This plucky. fool of course sees the change instantly and throws even more at his cause. The battle is turning, our fool is gaining ground, hope is not lost. But he throws too much too soon and the girl just retreats back into the shadows and then the lies start again.

She cannot help that she contradicts herself with every passing day. She cannot help that she shows zero consideration for our fool and the trauma she has already put him through. She clearly cannot help that she shows absolutely zero remorse for such horrid treatment of the only idiot willing to fight for a cause so tarnished by its own actions. So why the fuck do I still fight for this cause? Is it Because I am so certain of that belief I have in it, that unwavering conviction that says her worth is beyond measure, that she is a truly beautiful, talented, generous, kind and clever woman who deserves everything the world has to offer. That she deserves unconditional love and admiration, and that I have been blessed to have her in my life and that blessing cannot be wasted. Well… It used to be that way, I was relentless in my dedication to that belief…. Until it happened all over again. The lies, half truths and manipulations. The total disregard for my already obliterated heart and the love I. still, YES STILL! Have for this girl. Sadly this fool is starting to think that it’s time to admit defeat, return, cap in hand and resign myself to the ever increasing probability that my assertions as to her character May in fact be false . It would appear that perhaps The Cause is lost.

So here I find myself, a fool who for all intents and purposes, is a broken empty vessel. A vessel once filled with hope and love, forgiveness and trust, now slowly sinking to the bottom of the deepest sea without a single life line thrown his way. Surely that is more than enough for any self respecting human to wash his hands of it all? Looking at it objectively I would say absolutely yes. But I can’t and I don’t want to. Despite all of it, regardless of how much this whole situation hurts, and believe me I have never felt such pain. I still love her, 100%, completely and without reservation, ‘All In’ love her. It’s not like I’ve had a lot of that sent my way over the last 15 months. Yet my affection, desire and passion still lies solely with her.

That’s why I fucken hate this! Because to hopefully save even the possibility of a future with her, I now have to step away. I have tried everything I can to lead this horse to water (and believe me I wish I had a better analogy) I cannot for the life of me make it drink! Do you know how infuriating that is, especially when she’s such a fucken smart horse! But I have to let what is meant to happen, simply happen. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it scares the shit out of me. So many anxious thoughts swirl around my head. Mostly ending with “what if she never feels that for you again” “what if you aren’t meant to be together.” “What if she never finds herself again and spirals even further down into her pit of mediocrity and victim hood”? The very thought makes my stomach turn. But i have to believe in her ability to do what needs to be done, to see what I pray she will see.

In the meantime this fucken sucks! I have to stop myself literally every 10 minutes or so from messaging her or calling her or getting in my car and driving to wherever she might be just to see if she’s ok. It is pathetic. I’ve waited what felt like a lifetime to feel her arms around me again. To inhale her scent, to have her head rest on my shoulder, to hold her until she falls asleep and then hold her some more. And it felt beyond amazing, it felt like home. But to have it ripped away from me again and now face the prospect of another indefinite period of silence and solitude is almost more than I can bear. I have never been so in love with anything in my entire life. And I just want to start to live that life I know we can have together. And I want to start right fucking now!

But this is the right thing to do, isn’t it? I hope so… Aargh!

This is so fucking hard!

…Patience Jeremy, for her, for you, for that life you both deserve, stay strong my son. You have to Stay strong my son.