VALIDATION

Why do I put myself through this, again?! Why do I even allow this pain and humiliation to exist? My heart says it’s because I believe in our love. My heart is screaming out to me “she’s worth it!!” My head is awash with fear and doubt, but isn’t it always? Is she really the cause of this fear and doubt? In so many ways no she isn’t. The fear and the doubt has always existed. It has at one point or another controlled my life in some way, shape or form. The magnification of it though is more due to the reflection of my frailty in something I want to be so strong for. That validation I’m seeking shouldn’t be found in how I appear through her eyes but in fact, through my own. If I were more confident in my own self I would know how I appear in her eyes. I wouldn’t doubt my reflection, I wouldn’t be afraid of insignificance. But once again those feelings of insignificance have come to the fore. I must stem the tide of this onslaught. Insignificance is a cancer on my life, to feel so and to allow that feeling to grow will surely lead to disaster. So how do I arrest the growth of this monster and turn it back from whence it came? A lot of these feelings come from my loss of worth through work. Not having a job and being afraid of not being able to find one is a huge source of fear and doubt in myself, that’s not her fault nor her cross to bare. But How can I feel significant to someone when their very actions leave me broken and feeling worthless. The answer I fear lies in the question. “How can I feel significant to someone…” You can’t, you either are or you aren’t and at any possible moment both can be true. People are weak, as a species we are designed to wither and die, to get sick, to be frail. We are imperfect beings, all of us. Not one person is always selfless. Not one person will always put others before them self. And that’s the crux of the matter, I might be asking too much. What if I’m just fighting human nature and not her feelings? What if the ‘significance’ I’m seeking through her actions is a war no one can win. Meaning it’s an impossible task, not because she can’t do it. Not because she won’t. But because I can’t expect any human to do that every time. There will be times when she makes me feel like I can fly, I know it, I’ve felt them. And there will be times when she can make me feel like dirt, sadly I know those too. But that is not a reflection of her, it is a reflection of humanity. Myself included. So perhaps the single truth in this puzzle is to accept the humanity of an angel as just that, a predetermined trait we are all born with. Human frailty, not disregard. It is not about ‘me’ it’s about her just being human. And heaven knows I love that human with every fiber of my being. And those feelings of insignificance and fear and doubt are just feeding on that need for validation which I know doesn’t come from her, it has to come from within me. Believe in your worth and others will believe it too. Be your own beacon and others will be drawn closer. Allow humanity to exist, even in a heavenly creature such as her.