WHAT’S A PIE SHOP WITH NO PIES

So here’s where I’m at… I really don’t like the way I am at the moment. Quite frankly I hate it! I’m not saying I hate myself, heavens no. I just hate the way I am. The feelings I have are becoming muddled and trampled by the lack of communication from certain parties involved as well as the out and out deception previously displayed. It has created an environment of doubt. This environment exists both around and unfortunately within me. Prior to now that environment was exclusive to where I fit in, not about what I am. I know I’m a ‘good’ person. I know I have lots to offer the world and those within it. But to be honest I find myself wondering lately what exactly that offering is. I think in part this all stems from that lack of validation I mentioned once before. Not only do I feel as though what I have previously thought I offered is good enough, but now I doubt that I actually offer it in the first place. It’s like being a pie shop that claims to have the world’s best pie, it’s a bold claim but if you have pies on the menu, then at least you will have the best pie that someone has ever had. But to be a pie shop without a single pie on the menu is a whole new thing. That’s kind of what I feel like.

So I ask myself, am I the first or the second shop? I’ve thought, even at my lowest moments that I was at least the first one. But lately I’m starting to question that. More to the point I’ve begun to ask the question why be in the pie business in the first place. Surely I can transfer my talents at pie baking into another forum. Surely I have some other offering in me…

I keep coming back to the one thought, that one driving force propelling me headlong into this problem; I want this, I believe in this, I don’t want to give up on this. I have the best fucken pies in the business. I know that there is a certain amount of stubborn pride at play here. I have already committed so much of myself to this cause that to walk away now would just feel wrong. Especially after everything I’ve said. I refuse to be another person who gives up on this simply because it is too hard. I feel that strongly about my belief in this cause that I will not be swayed into changing my mind. I’m sure others would disagree, they would say what else do you need to see to be convinced that this cause is lost. That it was never really there at all. Why put your neck on the line for something so destructive and elusive. The answer many times is I don’t know. I am a man of action, sitting back and waiting has never been my strong suit. I spent a year in jail just waiting. Waiting for her, waiting for life. And at times it wasn’t the absence of those things that threatened to break me, it was the act of waiting that did. That floating through the unknown without tether or communication that pushed me to the edge. And maybe that’s what I’m really missing here. Maybe it’s the lack of connection to the cause. I know in my heart of hearts that the cause is worth fighting for. I know that despite absolutely horrible betrayals and abhorrent treatment that cause is more than it appears. It is so much more. And perhaps I’m longing for some sort of connection to that belief. The waiting for the cause is bad enough, but that comes down to a matter of patience. But feeling that connection to the cause, that tangible link to what I know the cause is, despite the way it appears is growing faint.

Time after time I am cut adrift, time after time I am left floating through an abyss of confusion and disillusion. Hence the pie shop with no pies.

I have always been fairly sure about how to fix any thing. Action is the answer. But in this case no question is being asked. Silence is not golden, it is lead tied around your neck, cement blocks on your feet and sharp claws scratching at your face. It is a most frustrating burden that I am struggling to deal with.

But is the cause to blame or is this just another human frailty that I am recognizing in myself because it has simply been brought into the light of day. Tough question. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… Bullshit. It can leave you so weak and depleted that you might just well be dead. Or it can affect you so much that you are just a hollow vacuous shell of what you used to be. God i hope that isn’t the case. If the events of the last year have resulted in the total destruction of the cause and left behind this empty shell. A shell that by all accounts looks and sounds like what I remember but in essence is not and never will be that cause again, then that will be an utterly devastating realization.

Unfortunately it would appear that time and muted patience will reveal the answer. As far as that pie shop is concerned though… Maybe I’ll look into what other businesses I could try my hand at… I don’t want to but I at least owe it to myself to look.