Ask Ijeoma

In which I answer the questions you leave me at http://ask.fm/ijeomaoluo. Every Friday.

Like Ask Ijeoma? Support it here through patreon.

As a whitey, I feel unsure what to do when I read about our country’s race problem. I know you said one big thing to do is listen, and I have (by the by: things are fucked up as shit). But I want to do more than listen without it being problematic and savior-y. Halp?

Good news — it’s not that hard! I would say one of the most immediate things you can do is educate yourself on your privilege and work to combat it in your world. There are many things right now that you can influence: Are you voting for reform-minded politicians? Does your employer have strong diversity programs? Are you making space for POC in areas that they traditionally wouldn’t have access? Are you elevating the voices of POC in conversations with your friends and colleagues? Can you fund advocacy or legal aid groups? Are you supporting minority-owned businesses? These small acts really matter and they are things that you can start doing today.

Thanks for answering my questions — just a quick note to say that you are truly amazing and vibrant and awesome and I love your mind so very much. Am a huge admirer of your work.

Thank you!! xoxo

What are your views on the mail order bride system still being used today?

Hmm…there are a lot of views I could have. 1) for women who are trying to escape dire situations, I’m sad that the world is still like this and it needs to change. 2) for men who are like, “gonna go buy a wife now” I feel like they are a symptom of how many men view women, they’re just a little more upfront with it. I would like to continue to focus on a society that views women as objects than these individual men 3) for people who view marriage as a transaction: cool, I get to come here and you get companionship — you do you boo.

Are there any parts of the Nigerian culture that you practice? Have you ever been to/would you ever visit Nigeria?

That’s hard to answer, as Nigeria has a myriad of different cultures. I don’t know if I’ve integrated a lot of Etche culture into my life, but I am from Etche people, so I guess my life is a part of Etche culture. I eat traditional food often (fufu, egusi, jollof rice etc) but that’s about it. I’m not Christian (which is pretty big there — thanks Missionaries), and I’m honestly not nearly as family oriented (which I’m sure any of my family there would attest to).

Any thoughts on Walmart?

I have a lot of thoughts on Walmart. I do believe they are an evil corporation. But I also believe that we should not speak for the workers of Walmart and should instead support them in their fight for better treatment and economic justice. When I was in college in Bellingham a bunch of the students were trying to get the upcoming Walmart in the neighborhood shut down. As they were walking around with signs saying “No Walmart In My Neighborhood” I actually got pretty upset. Here’s why: Bellingham is a college town with a very impoverished local population. There are little jobs and a fair amount of homelessness. But because it’s also a hippie college town, the only businesses in the area are geared towards these well-off kids. The grocery store is a food co-op that will set you back $50 for a bag of groceries. The public transportation system is absolute shit. There is no fluoridated water because the students protest it, but the locals who can’t afford insurance have teeth rotting out of their heads because of it. These kids were working to shut down one of the few job opportunities in this town for people who desperately need it, and they weren’t even going to live here more than a few years. It felt like a picture of how these protests usually go. The elite protesting, not because they want to actually make things better, but because they don’t want it in their neighborhood.

I do believe that Walmart needs to change, and I think that it needs to change by people (and governments) listening to and supporting the words of workers at Walmart instead of trying to speak for them, and also by supporting companies who do invest in their employees and their neighborhoods.

Hi Ijeoma. I’m biracial but identify as black. In my home country, referring to race as descriptive(eg, that white man down the road) is very inoffensive. I’ve noticed in some countries people seem sensitive and are afraid (totally avoid) to refer to race.Is talking like this offensive?

I find nothing offensive about race. Calling me black isn’t an offense — I’m black and proudly so. What I think we should be aware of is why we are introducing race into a conversation. If we are talking about a person who’s broken the law, for example, saying “a black man mugged me” is like saying “a tall man mugged me” — it has no bearing on the conversation and is completely unnecessary unless you think that the fact that he was black, or tall, contributed to the mugging.

How does one live a successful meaningful life with a war raging on the inside? My anxieties and severe phobias constantly leave me drained,sad and hopeless. I’m doing my best Ijeoma. Is there still hope for me? Any tips for making it day by day?

Oh friend, I know how you feel. There have been days, weeks, where I haven’t been able to do anything. I remember calling my brother from a business trip truly convinced that I was going to wind up in a hospital. I remember panic attacks every single day. I remember booking vacations and not being able to get out of the hotel bed once. Anxiety is absolute hell. The only advice I can give is to not add guilt on top of it and try to study your body for the very beginnings of anxiety. Mine has gotten a lot better this last year, primarily because I’ve finally learned how to read my body. Writing about the things I write about takes a lot out of me so I have very little bandwidth for other stresses. It’s taken me years, but I’ve learned to back down whenever possible at the first sign of a physical response. For me it’s ringing in my ears. When the ringing starts to go up, I know that I’m doing something that my body is not ready for and if I continue there will be hell to pay. My anxiety is a delayed response. If my ears are ringing and I go to a party anyways, I will not be able to get out of bed the next day at all. It took me so long to learn that these physical reactions were my bodies way of telling me where my limits were, and once I recognized them it took me even longer to respect them. But faithfully respecting them this last year has not only cut down on my anxiety a lot, it’s also increased my bandwidth so that I’m slowly able to manage more. Anyways, I hope that at least some of this helps. Be kind to yourself.