To Whom It May Concern,

For as long as I can remember, I have maintained a quiet existence in the center of the Messier 87 galaxy. I am not a perfect hole, but I believe I have been a decent neighbor and reasonably good citizen of the Universe.

My world was shattered this morning when I awoke to find photographs of my most sensitive parts plastered across the Internet. I must stress that I never consented to have these images of my anatomy disseminated publicly like this. …


And the Oscar goes to…

Actor in a Supporting Role

Winner: My co-worker

For pulling my chair away from my desk and turning on my computer so it looks like I showed up on time.

Costume Design

Winner: The extremely confident woman on the train

For wearing an oversized backpack during rush hour.

Documentary (Feature)

Winner: The security cameras outside the 7–11

For capturing the exact moment when I tripped over the curb and split my pants.

Actress in a Supporting Role

Winner: My boss

For pretending to believe me when I said I was running late because my dog is sick, even though she knows I don’t own a dog.

**This is the second nomination and first win…


As told by therapy notes

Nothing to see here. Totally fine!

January 2, 2018

After a trying and self-destructive 2017, the Union hopes to enter into this year with an open mind and renewed focus on self-improvement. Among the topics we plan to address in 2018: trust issues and difficulties navigating authority. We are also working to implement strategies for effective communication, reducing misinformation and strengthening interpersonal relationships.

February 5, 2018

The Union reports very high levels of anxiety. It admits to watching cable news non-stop and self-medicating to deal with stress. …


Don’t leave home without them!

Distressed Shorts

After three days spent watching cable news, the only thing as beat up as the inside of your brain is the fabric of these cargo shorts. Just like your mental health, they’re holding on by a thread. Make sure to stock up so you have a pair available in every crisis!

Emotionally Unavailable Tee

A basic requirement for even the most basic of bitches. If you’re looking for a shirt that struggles to connect, but refuses to consult a therapist, then this breezy tee is a must-have. …


They’re Emotional Support Snakes, Motherfucker

you’re upset! that’s what this emotional support snake is for!

On Thursdays, we publish #TBT posts, gems that appeared on our site in its early days, which many of our newer fans may have missed. Enjoy!

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking.

I understand there’s been some light panic regarding the sudden and unexpected appearance of snakes on this aircraft. I’m talking specifically, of course, about the 19-foot Burmese python, the coral snake, the taipan, the corn snakes, rattlesnakes, mangrove snakes and other assorted varieties of venomous serpents that we, unfortunately, have not yet been able to identify.

I want to assure you all that your anxiety is…


Your to-do list, should you choose to accept it

Photo: silverkblack/iStock/Getty Images Plus

Good morning, Mr. Hunt. I hope you’re feeling well-rested because today’s assignment is quite arduous. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go through your inbox and respond to any outstanding e-mails.

To complete this task, you will first need to penetrate your highly secured Gmail account, defeat the two-step verification process, and retrieve your forgotten login information. You will have three attempts to correctly guess your password. Remember, it’s either the name of your first pet or the cross streets where you lost your virginity. …


Other Government Positions That Would Be Improved By The Addition Of Food

the new cabinet, basically

In this week’s food news, Kellyanne Conway accidentally referred to the President of the United States as the “Commander of Cheese.” On behalf of America’s constituents, we would like to suggest the following improvements to these already existing government titles:

The Vice Pezident

Secretary of Steak

Secretary of Agricustard

Secretary of Housing & Urban Developmints

Secretary of Energy Bars

Secretary of Educaketion

Secretary of Venison Affairs

Secretary of Homeland Securiteas

Secretary of Transpotatoes

White House Chief Of Stuffed Olives

Small Business Administrawberry

Council of Economic Advocados

Attorney General Tso’s Chicken

Justices of the Supreme Food Court

Ilana Gordon is a…


They’re Emotional Support Snakes, Motherfucker

you’re upset! that’s what this emotional support snake is for!

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking.

I understand there’s been some light panic regarding the sudden and unexpected appearance of snakes on this aircraft. I’m talking specifically, of course, about the 19-foot Burmese python, the coral snake, the taipan, the corn snakes, rattlesnakes, mangrove snakes and other assorted varieties of venomous serpents that we, unfortunately, have not yet been able to identify.

I want to assure you all that your anxiety is entirely understandable. We appreciate your flexibility and as soon as this announcement is over, our friendly flight attendants will be passing through the cabin and handing…


Sleep in the four-bedroom mansion where Kipling wrote ‘The Jungle Book,’ and more.

Rental sharing sites like Airbnb make it easier than ever for travelers to live like locals during their holidays. But adventurers with an interest in history might want to consider looking into The Landmark Trust, a charity that transforms neglected historical buildings into vacation rentals.

The UK-based organization has rescued more than 200 properties scattered throughout Britain, Italy, France and Belgium. The houses range in size, location, price and historical significance: for some of the less conventional offerings, travelers can stay in mills, train stations, water towers, mines and prisons. (Seriously.)

Some of the buildings are pet friendly. If you…


88-year-old superager Evelyn Finegan at home. | Drew Wittler/dose

Meet the elite group of seniors sharper than people half their age.

Immortality is a powerful seductress. From the moment we’re old enough to appreciate our status as slowly decaying sacks of flesh, cells and gray matter, society encourages us to fight against aging with an arsenal of drug-store beauty products, modern medicine and more.

We all age, but nobody ages better than superagers, an elite class of geriatrics whose cognitive functions are considered equivalent to those of people half their age. 88-year-old Evelyn Finegan is one such superager and on a Friday in June, I drove to her home in River Forest, IL to learn exactly what that means.

Alzheimer’s is…

Ilana Gordon

Formerly: @Dose & @OMGFacts | Also: @thedailydot, @thetakeout, @TheAVClub, @atlasobscura, @mcsweeneys, @Reductress, @The_Belladonnas | @IlanaAbby

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