An Honest Accounting of My Billable Hours

9:00 AM — 9:15 AM

Still on the train.

9:15 — 9:30 AM

Arrived at 9:25. Promptly checked e-mail and all social media platforms to keep abreast of any new developments since previous checks at 8:14 AM, 8:36 AM, 8:49 AM and 8:51 AM.

9:30 AM — 9:45 AM

Prepared coffee in the office kitchen. Gently explained to co-worker why I would not be attending his first improv show with new team, Premature Ejokeulation.

9:45 — 11:00 AM

Worked on the McCann file while listening to podcasts about murder. Intermittently checked e-mail and all social media platforms.

11:00 — 12:00 PM

Met with the team in Greg’s office to discuss planning for Q4. I was hoping there would be donuts. There were no donuts.

12:00 PM — 12:30 PM

Answered all e-mails, except the ones that were too hard.

12:30 PM — 12:45 PM

Used the bathroom. Heard talk of potential lunch leftovers from an Executive meeting. Strategically started a conversation with Janice in the kitchen so I would be perfectly poised to grab food when it arrived.

12:45 — 1:00 PM

Still no food. Still talking to Janice. Conversation took a bad turn and segued into rants about her ongoing bathroom renovations and her dog’s gallbladder surgery.

1:00 — 2:00 PM

Gave up on the promise of free food. Extricated self from conversation with Janice and spent lunch alone in a Chipotle. Contemplated going home sick, but decided to save that as a special treat for Friday instead.

2:00 — 2:15 PM

Arrived back at the office. Saw lunch leftovers in the kitchen. Ate a large helping of the lunch leftovers. Felt very ill afterwards.

2:15 — 2:30 PM

Answered the hard e-mails.

2:30 PM — 2:45 PM

Watched fifteen consecutive videos of cats disrespecting their owners. When caught and questioned, told my superior I was doing research for the McCann file.

2:45 — 3:00 PM

Made coffee. When no one was looking, stole the best K-Cups out of the community K-Cup bowl and hid them at my desk.

3:00 — 4:30 PM

Met with the team in Tom’s office to reflect on Q3. I was hoping there would be chips. There were no chips.

4:30 — 4:45 PM

Used the bathroom. Got pee-shy and had to mentally sing the lyrics to TLC’s “Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls” three times before pee was achieved.

4:45 — 5:00 PM

Successfully dodged a conversation with Mike about CrossFit, only to get pulled into a conversation with Tim about his diet during Iron Man training.

5:00 — 5:15 PM

Departed work at 5:01 PM. Left the chair pulled out and computer screen on in case anyone came looking for me.