I’m The Black Hole And I’m Begging You To Please Stop Leaking My Nudes

Ilana Gordon
Apr 11 · 3 min read

To Whom It May Concern,

For as long as I can remember, I have maintained a quiet existence in the center of the Messier 87 galaxy. I am not a perfect hole, but I believe I have been a decent neighbor and reasonably good citizen of the Universe.

My world was shattered this morning when I awoke to find photographs of my most sensitive parts plastered across the Internet. I must stress that I never consented to have these images of my anatomy disseminated publicly like this. As I’ve always said, if something is shaped like a ring and surrounded by gas, it’s probably a butthole and you should definitely request permission before posting pictures of it online.

I was even more disgusted to learn that this act of public humiliation was perpetrated by a global network of “scientists,” conspiring over the course of seven years to create technology advanced enough to illicitly obtain these intimate shots. You don’t spend your life 53.49 million light-years away from humans unless you truly want to be left alone and I’m devastated to be the victim of such an ambitious and despicable violation of my body.

I have spent the past five billion years avoiding this kind of unwanted attention and to see myself thrust into the public eye like this is truly alarming. I have taken incredible precautions to safeguard my privacy, including maintaining a gravitational pull strong enough that not even light can escape and refraining from uploading dick pics to the Cloud.

Nevertheless, I have been compromised, betrayed by a group of “academics” and “visionaries” who seem intent on embarrassing me in front of the entire solar system in the name of scientific progress.

Well, I won’t stand for it anymore. All my life, I’ve been told I have too much energy, that I’m too controlling. I will admit that I am insecure and I struggle to let things go. I’m working on addressing these issues in therapy and I hardly feel my faults are worthy of invoking this level of public humiliation.

I must also confess that I find the verbiage used to describe me to be incredibly hurtful. In the past 24-hours I have been referred to as an “absolute monster,” “supermassive,” a “simple object” and as possessing a mass “6.5 billion times that of the Sun.” I may be a mere region of space, but I’m not without feelings and these comparisons and insults have driven me into a darker mental place than even I believed possible.

It is against my nature, but these malicious actions have forced me to go on the offensive. I must remind you that if you are posting or sharing these pictures online, you are complicit in this violation and I will be considering any and all legal options available. I know I’m strong enough to endure the mortification, but I worry for younger and smaller holes who might not share my same resilience.

This is my first real introduction to humans and as I’m sure you can imagine, I am not keen to repeat the experience. I hope you can respect my privacy at this time — not that you’ve given me any indication to believe you will.

I understand that the culprits behind this horrifying act see this as only the first step in a larger discovery process. I am also aware that there are over 1,000 hard drives containing similar images. I must warn the scientific community that if these pictures manage to find their way into the public eye, I will hunt you down and you will suffer the same fate that befell George Clooney in “Gravity.”

With fondest regards,

The Black Hole

Ilana Gordon

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Formerly: @Dose & @OMGFacts | Also: @thedailydot, @thetakeout, @TheAVClub, @atlasobscura, @mcsweeneys, @Reductress, @The_Belladonnas | @IlanaAbby