Motivational Quotes For Realistic People

Part II

On reacting:

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you tell people on Facebook.

On quitting:

Winners never quit, but quitters have more time to watch TV.

On today:

Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery and today is a gift. That’s why we returned it for store credit.

On weather:

Two roads diverged in a woods, and I –

I took the one that led to Miami

Because winter is bullshit

On possibility:

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says “mobile piss!”

On people:

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really food at heart.

On smiling:

It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, so stop telling me to smile; I’m exercising.

On trust:

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. There’s no point in making someone prove they’re a flesh-eating zombie more than once.

On temperament:

Keep calm and carry a rape whistle, mace and your keys. Also, why are you wearing that skirt, it’s too short.

On betrayal:

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, good job, you followed comedy’s rule of threes.