Wardrobe Essentials For The Modern Woman

Don’t leave home without them!

Distressed Shorts

After three days spent watching cable news, the only thing as beat up as the inside of your brain is the fabric of these cargo shorts. Just like your mental health, they’re holding on by a thread. Make sure to stock up so you have a pair available in every crisis!

Emotionally Unavailable Tee

A basic requirement for even the most basic of bitches. If you’re looking for a shirt that struggles to connect, but refuses to consult a therapist, then this breezy tee is a must-have. Please note: this top is sleeveless, so it’s fundamentally incapable of providing you a shoulder to cry on.

Afraid Of Commitment Boyfriend Jeans

These mid-rise jeans hug your curves in all the right places, unless you’re in public. Then they’ll refuse to acknowledge your presence. For the full look, pair them with a cozy flannel, invite them to a family function and watch as they explain why, as a couple, you’re “not there yet.”

Contrarian Trousers

A necessity for anyone looking to play devil’s advocate on Twitter. Smooth satin, perfect tailoring and clean lines make these the perfect pants to accentuate your “Butt, actually…”

Peter Pan Collar Sweater

Don’t want to grow up because you know you’ll never have enough money to retire? This whimsical and polished jumper will keep you looking young and feeling cozy as you waste away in your underpaid corporate job.

Authoritarian Turtleneck

A throwback to an old favorite. This wool, long-sleeved top will restrict your airflow, impede your range of motion and leave you panicked, choking and itchy.

Gaslighting Vest

Sporty, snuggly and lined with 100%-recyclable fleece, this vest will be your go-to piece of outerwear this Fall. When people start complimenting you on it, give them a strange look and tell them it’s a jacket.

Fed Up Overalls

The official clothing item of 2018. These tapered, comfortable denim favorites hug your hips while clearly conveying that you are OVER IT. YOU ARE OVER ALL OF IT.