Sometimes, when he smiles I like to think it goes all the way through his scars, heals them, over his tears and wipes them. It doesnt. He feels so much that he feels nothing at all.
I get asked why I would want to stay with someone if I constantly wonder what mood he will be in, what will upset him or if I am contantly on eggshells.
Im not walking on eggshells, I just have to think through why he did something the way it was done, or what his intentions were, and put everything into context before I say something. If anything, it makes me think clearly before speaking and makes me realize that how you took something was not how it was meant to be taken.
He isn't “sad” or “moody”. He is him. He feels nothing. Numb. I have never experienced bipolar, or clinical depression. I have had level 2 depression and that was a constant battle between drowning myself in the bath tub or not.
He, he feels everything at once. Well, I like to imagine that , I like to think that he feels overjoyed, scared,depressed and nervous all at once. I like to think that, not because it brings me pleasure, no, but because that way I might have a slight idea of what he could be feeling, of why he doesnt want to cuddle or have me talk away, of why he doesnt want me to call when he is being ‘off’, because maybe I will have an idea of why he just wants to be left alone sometimes.
As I was saying, having depression is hard, it’s a constant battle. Maybe Bipolar is a constant war? Not a war like WW2, a war where you fight for staying and not really knowing why, or leaving and not having a destination in mind.
Honestly, I am scared, I pray every night that he will still be here in the morning. I know its hard for him, I know he fight’s it everyday, so should I tell him these fears? will it make him feel bad? That is not my intention, ofcourse not.
When dating someone with bipolar, (I don’t know alot, I havent been dating him long.) I have noticed though, that there is always the urge to tell him how much he means to me, how much I love him, how the thought of life without him crushes my lungs and makes oxygen poison. I try not to tell him that, because, it wont take the numbness away. It wont make him “feel”. He would probably hug me and tell me he loves me. I have a question though, will saying all of that actually take all that numbness away? No. Would it make him feel his worth and make the war a little easier? Maybe. But why risk the chance of making him feel as if those words are only said out of fear? or pity? It was never meant that way, but, there is a chance it can be taken that way? right?
I can’t read his mind, I think I would be too scared to even if I could. I could be wrong about everything in this post, but this is how I feel.
I feel that maybe just maybe, he will be able to one day smile at me, his smile will go through all his scars and heal them, go over all his tears and wipe them.
He is the salt of the earth, he has the purest of hearts and most gentle of souls. I havent been dating him for long, but I know this:
To me he is perfect with all his imperfections.
I havent been with him for long. I will be with him forever.
For all eternity.