Why your bartender hates you

Those who frequent bars on a regular basis know there are few things more satisfying that a great bartender. The kind that greets you with a nod or smile and sets your “usual” before you. They know how much to chit chat, whether you usually grab a bite or not and they know your brand of humor. Even when busy, once you catch their eye, they’ll make sure to “get you,” as soon as possible.

It takes a few visits and some quality rapport to achieve this beautifully symbiotic relationship. Don’t expect the gorgeous, charming and fast tender of a busy watering hole to remember you months after your first visit. She sees dozens of patrons a day, receives hundreds of nitpicky food and drink requests a week, and, true to stereotype, she’s probably doing a little apres work boozing herself every so often. But if you commit to the bar and show your face across from her a couple of times a month- she will start to remember your face and name, drink order, and whether or not the missus is pissing you off as of late. If she’s worth her salt- She’ll actually start to feel like a genuine pal.

What if, however, you do pick a spot and start showing up on a regular basis, knocking back a few end of the day Tecates, becoming a regular, and she still doesn’t show you the special attention she does other known patrons? Is she warm and attentive with most of the clientele but short and brisk with you? Read on.

There are a number of reasons why your bartender may hate you.

First and foremost, let us consult the ABCs of going out in public and being a decent human being. Are you well mannered? Do you wait to be served patiently and use please and thank you when appropriate? Do you order in a courteous manner? I can tell you that nothing will give a server or bartender more cause to mess with you than an entitled or rude attitude. Forget the title of server and think of them as a liaison. They are there to facilitate your enjoyment of the place, but they wield a definite power, and your time in the establishment can be greatly affected by how they function.

Back to basics- Do you know how to tip? This is very straightforward folks, 15% for mediocre to fair service and 20% and up for good to great service. Depending on the circumstances, tipping under 15% is cheap and only acceptable if the server was literally rude or completely incompetent. If the place is packed, realize everyone’s orders will take longer. If the dollars you tack on to the total in order to tip appropriately take you over budget, you my friend, can not afford to eat out. This is not a terrible thing either, buy some good groceries and cook and clean up after your ass at home. Buy a decent, polish vodka, squeeze a lime into it and mingle with the dog in your living room. There is nothing unsexier that being a bad tipper. You can live down a lot, but once known as a bad tipper, you’re the cheap guy. And yes, the bartenders will bitch about you.

Now on the finer points- A creepster vibe will make any bartender into an emotional fortress. There is a delicate tightrope walk between confident, direct eye contact and long, unwarranted gazes. Yes, 22 year olds are fun to look at, but keep your staring discrete. One too many lingering gazes and I promise you will start to seem afflicted. Bars are social establishments, everyone is there for the ambiance, drinks and food so, enjoy it. Take a look around and chat up your bar neighbor, if they are interested. Know that if a woman is avoiding eye contact, not smiling and replying in the most succinct manner, she probably isn’t down to mingle.

Finer points continued- Straight up guys, telling a woman to smile is flirtatious homicide. Do not tell a woman to smile- Ever. Unless she’s your 9 year old niece and she’s angsty as fuck for her age. It’s cheesy and invasive and annoying. You don’t get to ask another person how to arrange their face. This isn’t some feminist rant, I’m plainly stating that asking a woman to smile is a quick way to land yourself in her irritating, creepy uncle archive- About three russian time territories deeper than the friend zone. Just avoid it. Compliment her shoes, ask how much she hates her boss, ask what her favorite drink to make is. Literally anything is better than, “smile.”

Finally, you could also be skirting into creepster terrain if you are asking a lot of questions. Generally, most conventional wisdom points toward asking a woman questions and listening intently as a good step towards a positive interaction, not so with a bartender. Keep in mind, this person talks to people for a living, she has heard every line in the book and fake laughed at every joke in the manual. She’s been hit on by hot guys, rich guys, hippies, by eccentrics. The nature of the job has jaded her and sometimes a few too many questions in a row will cause her to feel intruded on. On slow days or shifts, then sure, a longish conversation is sometimes welcome, but if she’s looking past you and not lingering other than to fulfill your order, try and receive the hint.

This makes it sound like going out to get a drink is actually work doesn’t it? In all truth, you don’t really need to stress about it. Millions and millions of people go out to drink every single day and a vast majority of them are not well liked by their purveyor of spirits. Most of these dudes will never even realize it, but yeah, their bartender hates them.