Mourning Loss

Single Again
Jul 30, 2017 · 2 min read

While my average mood is much better after becoming single again, the variance is much higher. The good days are much better but the bad days are almost as bad as they ever were. Today is a bad day.

If I stop the chatter in my head and take a breath, I begin crying. There is no immediate cause to be sad, I just have the blues. Whenever this happens, I look for what triggered this mood.

I just came back from spending a week with one of my lovers (more on that later). It was great to consistently be in the presence of someone whose company I enjoy. It was great to be cared for and to care for in return. The sex was intense and relieving. The conversations stimulating. Seeing into another’s world enlightening.

By the end of the week, though, I had had enough. I wanted some time just to myself. Back I came to my cave and worked for a week.

It’s the aftershocks of this experience that triggered my down mood. Primarily it is a mood of mourning. I thought my marriage would be caring and being cared for. I am mourning the last of that dream dying. Now I am taffy pulled. I want to care and be cared for, but I also distrust that I ever will find that. How can I trust someone when my ex violated my trust so completely?

I am managing my down mood in my usual ways: music, long walks, conversations with friends, quiet open-eyed staring at nature, more music. It will pass. It always does. I will find passion and happiness again. Having been through this so many times, I can even find joy in the sadness.

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