Is Forgiveness Necessary?

It’s a cold, cold world baby, and you’ll learn eventually but in the meantime, you better cuddle up.

Ever so often someone manages to prove to me that at the end of the day, all that really matters is self. The desperate lengths people are willing to go to just for some short-lived, self-gratification is not even surprising anymore. I guess for this reason, I can be a bit of a cynic with just a dash of misanthropy attached. It’s one of my many flaws and well, human beings are essentially flawed.

As such a flawed, self-serving species, we have always been inclined to reciprocate flawed behavior with even more flawed behavior. Some of us are motivated to actively seek retribution against those who have crossed us. Drake did say it best right? “Looking for revenge […] playing dirty not clean.” Some of you non-rapping folk may say, “what you give is what you get.” Or in more common Guyanese vernacular, “do fuh do is nah obeah.” Then there are those persons like myself who place our transgressors in the hands of the universe and avoid, avoid, avoid. I guess that’s because there’s a certain sense of satisfaction in knowing that you can hurt someone just as bad, sometimes worse without indulging in self-belittling, aggressive behavior.

So, these last few weeks met me with a multitude of eye opening situations. Situations so foul that further emphasized on my stance as a cynic that life can certainly be unorthodox and people really don’t give a fuck about how fucked up they have to be to get what they want. The thing that stood out the most though — My best friend of 16 years and I — we never had as much as a disagreement (maybe just that one ex-boyfriend of mine that she detested but everyone did, so I can understand) until now. At this very moment, I know some of you reading this may think, “nah.. your friendship was superficial, no healthy relationship can survive without disagreements,” and the more that I think about it, that’s correct. But really, we were perfect, man.

While I don’t see it necessary to divulge the details of this tragic rift in our little deluded bubble of perfection, I can’t help but think — “Is forgiveness necessary?” Someone suggested, “don’t lose your friendship over something that you’ll get over.” But was my best friend thinking about our friendship the moment she decided it was, “Fuck her”? Nope! So, just as she blatantly expressed that she’s been ignoring all my efforts for her to understand, to her telling me she doesn’t give a fuck, to further emphasizing on the fact that she is at the most selfish point in her life and what I said just didn’t matter then I can also attest to the fact that at the end of the day my sanity, my peace of mind is all that matters. I don’t have to force myself to like something — to accept something if it doesn’t sit well with me, so just like her , I’m at the most selfish point in my life.

I convinced myself that our friendship was based on honesty, unity, loyalty — all the corny clichés. But at the end of the day, I guess I rode for her way harder than she did for me. And that’s what broke my heart — the betrayal, the deception. I would never do something as grimy as this to anyone, let alone someone I claimed to have so close to my heart.

I was on my Twitter timeline just recently and I stumbled upon something suggesting that sometimes you have to continue to forgive people daily. It’s never a one time occurrence. And I get that, I really do. There was a time when I gave people the benefit of the doubt — when I forced myself to forgive and accept way too fast. It never worked. Which brings me back to the point I made earlier about just avoiding. Not having to deal with the bullshit that comes with people and their fucked up justifications makes me feel better, and maybe that’s why I sometimes err on the side of hating some people who have crossed me forever.

Now, is this going to be the end of 16 years of friendship? Probably. It definitely wouldn’t be the same, that’s for sure. Especially since she throws it in my face every once in a while. As a fucked up reminder? I don’t know, man. But I guess I’ll just have to live with that.

So, is forgiveness really necessary? Sometimes it is… and as I sit here typing this, a part of the Lord’s Prayer echoes in my mind,

“…as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

There’s a certain kind of self-respect, self-love that comes from forgiving someone for letting you down. I forgive for me. No matter how long it takes for me to adapt, I forgive for me. It doesn’t mean that I’ll welcome you back with open arms… no. Moving the hell on with my life is all that’s necessary, so that I’m not harboring bad vibes around me. And when I do decide to forgive her, I’ll never forget. Fuck, I never forget anything. I still remember the details of my first heartbreak and it’s not because I enjoy dwelling in the past, I just have one of those annoyingly, flawless fucking memories.

An older friend of mine told me that this should be a learning experience in a world of relationships and friendships. You can never really trust ANYONE as long as all they are is out for themselves and I get that, this was a major eye opener. My veil of cynicism is back up. And this right here man, I guess it is what it is.

As Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time…”

I’m learning.

First Published — 9th August, 2016 on The Gem Factory @ http://www.nerdatthecooltable.com

Update 11/30/2016: If you’re smart, you’d have already figured out that we fell off because of a boy. The details surrounding this annoyance are highly embarrassing as I have never been in a situation where I lost a friend because of a boy. Even more so, having other friends bombard me with messages asking, “what happened?!” Ya’ll, fuck outta my shit. Please. But she has been in Guyana since July, and I haven’t heard from her once. She does take immense pleasure in posting pictures of them “in love” on WhatsApp, etc, though. But I’m over the situation, I’m thankful I didn’t succumb to her level of immaturity. I’m thankful I maintained some pride and some fucking dignity… because really, this whole thing was fucking stupid. This could’ve all been avoided had she not stooped to tragic levels of pettiness all for some penis. I’m too old for this shit. God bless.