No matter who wins, we’re all going to lose
INT. TRUMP TOWER–DAY
Boris Epshteyn, Trump’s senior advisor: OK, Donald–
Donald Trump: Call me Mr. President.
Boris: You are not the president, sir.
Donald: Yeah, and Melania’s no Ivanka, but I call her my wife anyway. Call me Mr. President.
Boris: Mr. President, scores of women have come forward about your…indiscretions. We need to show the American people that you can control yourself around women. We need you to make a statement next to this young black girl. Now under no circumstances should you touch the young black girl.
[Donald Trump is leaving a racist comment on a stock image website]
Boris: Are you listening, Mr. President?
Donald: Is Salma Hayek Puerto Rican?
Boris: Is that a rhetorical question, sir?
Donald: Are Pam Grier and Obama related?
INT. PRESS CONFERENCE–DAY
Donald Trump immediately picks up the young black girl
Donald: You’re like a little Beyoncé, aren’t you?
Donald Trump tries to kiss the young black girl
Boris, the country (in unison): Mother of god.
INT. TRUMP TOWER–EVENING
News stations are replaying the video of Donald Trump trying to kiss the young black girl.
Donald: Why does the media keep trying to rig this election against me?!
Boris: Sir, you..you tried to kiss that girl.
Donald: The whole thing is rigged! She was a plant by crooked Hillary!
Mike Pence is crocheting an “It’s Adam and Eve, Not Adam and Steve” sweater.
Mike: Mr. President, I thought you gave a lovely speech, but you really shouldn’t have tried to kiss that poor girl.
Bernie Sanders is sitting on a park bench by the pond, writing a sonnet about universal healthcare and feeding ducks while he’s in a bidding war on Ebay for a game-worn Brooklyn Royal Giants Negro Leagues baseball jersey. He’s wearing an Angela Davis T-shirt and SB Dunks. His aura is woke.
Bernie: I could still win this thing.
INT. LOS LUNAS PUBLIC LIBRARY IN NEW MEXICO–DAY
Gary Johnson is stoned and reading about the history of agronomics in Syria, 1950s–present.
Gary: That’s wild.
INT. JILL STEIN’S HOME–EVENING
Jill Stein is on a Conspiracy Theory sub-Reddit, typing away furiously.
Jill, to herself: These morons really believe that 9/11 wasn’t an inside job? That Stevie Wonder can’t see? Wake up, Sheeple! Vaccinations can’t melt steel beams, FunkoPopLover48!
Hillary Clinton is shopping for an outfit for an appearance on 106 & Park.
Hillary, to the sales associate: I need something…urban. Something that’s fleek. Feel me?
INT. SAM WORTHINGTON’S HOME IN OMAHA, NEB.–DAY
Sam is sending a Tweet from his Twitter account, @DeplorableSam42
Typical LEFT media spin! Trump will save us and kiss all the women! If they don’t like it, they shouldn’t be able to vote! #MAGA
INT. WHEREVER YOU ARE–NOW
You, probably: How…how did this happen? Is this our punishment for the Point Break remake? Is this what happens when the Cubs and Cleveland’s Baseball Team are both good at the same time?
David Bowie, Prince, Muhammad Ali, Zaha Hadid, Maurice White, Phife Dawg, Abe Vigoda, and José Fernández are all listening to the new Bon Iver album.
Abe Vigoda is doing an impression of Tessio from The Godfather.
José Fernández and Prince are throwing a baseball back and forth. José’s hand stings from Prince throwing the ball so hard.
Abe: Can you get me off the hook, Tom? You know, for old times’ sake?
David: Can’t do it, Sally.
Maurice: This…this is not a good album.