Tell Me to Make Something go “Viral” One More Time

Seriously. Do it. Tell me you want something for your brand to go viral. I dare you.

(Conjuring Samuel L. Jackson voice) You can ask all you want, but when I deliver the ideas that ACTUALLY WILL GO VIRAL, you will cover your eyes and shrink away like a vampire who’s had the hotel-room-style black-out curtains jerked away to suddenly reveal vile, vampire-damaging sunlight.

Want to go “viral?” That’s cool. Just be ready to deal with the consequences.

There are exactly three ways to guarantee a video (or any piece of content, for that matter) go viral:

1. PAIN. You must put the subject of the video in intense pain. That’s where comedy comes from. People can’t get enough of watching it.
2. Cute Animal(s) Frolicking. This is the opposite of number one, but still evil in its own way. Here we play to the nature of “Awwww’ that exists in every human/animal. But even this avenue has its dark alleys. That natural proclivity to go “Awwww” is because of natural selection. Those who are cute survive. Young animals and humans are cute as a defense mechanism. That’s how they prevent their parents and other predators from eating them.
3. Literally DEATH. We’re talking about snuff films here. Think about it. There are already some industries that measure the value of human life according to the cost of safety regulations enforced in their warehouses. This is terrible, but I understand how and why it happens. In the “Viral” game? You have to close your eyes to the repercussions. My point is, if you’re going to valuate human life in order for your video to go viral, it won’t be cheap. You’re going to be spending the equivalent of “retiring in Monaco money” to your advertising consultant (i.e. ME).

So, that’s it. If you want to make a video go “viral,” that’s what you’re working with. If you’re willing to LITERALLY KILL another human being? Sure, I can make your video go viral.

Let’s Review Your Options Now As Actual Human Beings:

Option one (Pain) could MAYBE work (see the significant amount of success with Super Bowl ads starring Terry Tate, Office Linebacker).

If you think option three (Death) is viable, you’re more messed-up than me, and I VOLUNTARILY work as an advertising consultant.

Option two (Cute)? Now we’re talking. I can work with “cute” all day long and twice on Sundays. So why not just always go with option two?

Because that world is crowded … and expensive … and as I said earlier … dark in it’s own way.

The point is, you can’t ask for viral. It’s like asking for lightning to strike your enemies. It’s like asking for breakfast in bed on your birthday when you live alone. It’s like … well, let’s just say it’s not going to happen.

Or, is it?

Check out my OTHER medium article, “Five Somewhat-Guaranteed Methods for Going Viral.” If you show up with that wisdom at the office, you’ll be a Hero in the Halls (which is yet another Medium article I am writing) no matter where you work.

Ross Morrison is a social media brand, personality, and advertising consultant, who truly wants your content to go viral. He’s willing to do (almost) anything to ensure that it does. You can reach him at rossmorrison@gmail.com.