The biggest search of your life (for who you truly are)
Writing to inspire others (and save my soul in the process)
So what do you do when it feels like everything’s falling apart?
When your life isn’t going the way you wanted it to (and hasn’t been for decades now?)
And when you feel like you’re this weird, abnormal person with out of this world ideas that nobody seems to (want to) understand?
And when writing has been your friend forever and you really need to put your thoughts in writing before you start to go mad, but you don’t want your (potential) customers and family to find out just how weird you actually are?
When all you want to do is coach people to a life of fulfilment, but you are scared to, because your life is still the opposite?
Well, you start a blog in a different language. Hoping that people understand where you are coming from, that somebody can relate, so you don’t feel all alone.
Being different then the rest
I got the idea from “A girlfriends guide to a divorce” and it seemed so wonderful to be able to write about all the hassles of your life. Not the perfect life of an incredibly, happy woman experiencing incredible things, but the true life of a 40 year old average woman who is still trying to find out what her incredible self looks like.
When I am saying that I am 40 years old, it’s just words on paper. I still feel like a child, who never grew up. When I am talking about women my age, I call them “girls”, because in my mind and experience I am still 12 years old. Well, maybe not 12 years old, but a twenty something girl that grew over the partying part of her life, but still is smack down in that grey area of searching who the h… she is and what the h… she came to do here.
Yes, I am a spiritual person and I do believe that I have lived many lives before this one and apparently I have made such a mess of them, that this life has left me wandering and wondering.
As a child, I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. My parents got divorced when I was just a baby and I never met my father until recently. I grew up with my mother and brother and basically spend all of my Primary school days in the care of my grandmother (I love, love, LOVE old dance musicals with Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, Gene Kelly and Audrey Hepburn. Which woman my age shares this passion?) so my mother could take care of my brother.
I had my own friends in Primary School, but after that I never felt like I belonged anywhere. Now, this isn’t a sob story, because in those days I was totally unaware of my being different. I wasn’t unhappy. I could entertain myself perfectly well. I loved to read, write, listen to music and was always singing. If I didn’t have my best friends to play with, I played with the next best thing: my precious Barbie doll. whom I designed clothes or wrote songs for. I never once missed a father figure in my life.
A “loving” and different home
I grew up thinking that my father was a loser, because that was what my mother told me and I always stood by my mother, because somehow I felt like I needed to protect her.
Our home wasn’t a warm, loving place. It was nice and comfortable and I loved my mother and brother, but we never spoke of love or physically showed our love for one another.
As I grew older I understood that both my grandmother and my mother were uncapable of showing love or dealing with emotions. I didn’t feel unloved at the time, because I didn’t know what I was missing. But when I met my boy friend years and years later, I saw what a warm, loving home looks and feels like. Which to me at the time felt really suffocating and alien, but I will tell you about my inlaws another time.
My grandmother cared for me, fed me, gave me money every Sunday and a chocolate bar every time I left her for the weekend to go home with my mother (I LOVED white chocolate then, I despise it now) Oh and she NEVER let me do the dishes, clean up after me or do any other chores meant for grown ups (you can imagine how my mother felt about that, having a hard time getting me to do all those things when I finally came to live with her fulltime). My grandmother loved me by keeping me warm at all times (even in summer she had the heater on. I had an electric blanket in my bed PLUS she had me drink a cup of warm milk before I went to bed EVERY NIGHT and wear special hand knitted socks in bed: why I became such a cold fish in my adult years is beyond me and even though I litterally grew up on warm milk, because I had a very bad appetite, I wouldn’t be caught dead drinking it now)
As for my mother, she loved to show her appreciation for me by buying me things. She had me wearing the nicest girl dresses (her mother never let her wear any girl like fashion), play with the nicest toys and when she wanted me to do something I was scared about (like getting braces), she bribed me by promising to buy me another Barbie doll that I wanted.
I wasn’t spoilt, because I was well mannered, but you can imagine that I had quite an interesting time living on my own, not really understanding fully the value of money and having to get used to working for a living.
In fact, these are the things that I am still struggling with.
Searching for what exactly?
I am not saying that I am lazy. No sir, I know what hard work is. I left college when I was 19 years old, because I didn’t feel like I belonged and I tried several other studies to find a good match, but since that didn’t happen, I started working fulltime while my friends enjoyed their college life.
(my one regret is that I never had a college life. That’s where girls grow in to women, surrounded by all their college friends and in that time I was a fun person to be with, totally care free and open to the world, unaware of my being different, so who knows what would have happened if I had just finished college and ended up working in a publishing house, just like my BFF?)
I had one job after another, working my way up from cleaning hotels to shop assistant, from sales person, to corporate recruiter until I finally discoved that I didn’t belong in the corporate world and then I started my own business. All the while studying parttime, while I was working fulltime.
When I am passionate about something, I work my butt off to achieve what I want, relentlessly throwing aside all self care and boundaries to please my customers.
Unconsiously limiting myself
Turns out, it was me that I was pleasing, because lately I have discovered that I am limiting myself by the unconcious belief “that I need to earn love”.
Hmm, where did I get this from?
And LOVE, for me, I found out, comes in all different shapes and sizes, usually to do with MONEY.
But friendship to, and since I feel like I am not a very good friend to others because I am always selfishly (is what my family tells me) working on my business and self development , I guess my social life is bound to stay empty.
But really, I don’t care that much, because I now know that I am a highly sensitive person and just thinking about crowded, social gatherings makes me tired and anxious.
I need quiet time and calmness around me. I LOVE being on my own. Not all the time, but most of the time. I need time alone with my thoughts to figure out who I am and why I am doing what I am doing.
I guess it’s no surprise to you when I say that I am a life coach. Because most people with troubled lives become coaches to help others lead a fullfilled life.
But I am in a real predicament, because I believe in preaching what you practice and you may have noticed that I am not practicing what I preach yet.
I know that this is all about my belief system that “love must be earned” and I have another very limiting belief called “doing things the way (that I think that) they need to be done” and usually that’s based on how others have been doing them, not on how I think that they need to be done.
Keeping myself small
Because as true a believer as I am of thinking outside of the box, walking your own path and being authentic, I lack a sense of self worth, keeping myself smaller then anyone else.
And that’s what I so desperately want to change. And change in other woman too, because I believe women everywhere, massively keep themselves smaller then they need to. And it’s about time we all step into our great-ness.
I have started walking down my path of self development years ago. Just before I started my business teaching people how to groom their dog, so I could coach them from within my comfort zone.
And working with dogs has really helped me become more sensitive, and open my heart as opposed to analysing my emotions, talking and writing about love and rationalising feelings in my head.
Coming home to me
But only lately have I discovered that in order to be Incredible, I need to come home to me first.
And coming home means accepting myself for who I am (whoever that may be), and really accepting and embracing all of who I am, including the nasty, selfish, spoilt, lazy, cold, insecure, scared and so much more me that I am (did I mention that I can be terribly harsh on myself to?)
That’s what I am in the process of figuring out and I am confident that I’m not the only one.
One of my ambitions is to be an inspiration to other women that have a tendendy to limit themselves the way I do and did.
Incredible You is about paving your own path, about daring to show your true colours, about finding your true self, discovering all your potential and living your dream. It’s about exploring yourself and discovering talents and qualities that you never knew you had. And believing that you can do things that you never thought possible. That you are, in fact, MAGICAL.
If you haven’t lived your life like that, it’s never too late to re-invent yourself
We can achieve so much if we are willing to listen to our inner voices.
Lead by example
Even though I feel like I haven’t led an inspiring life so far (unless it’s by proving that you can make a business out of anything, by folllowing your heart in spite of people trying to hold you back and by surviving against all odds), this is me leading by example, making myself vulnerable for the whole world to see, because I believe that from vulnerability comes strength
I want to invite you to walk along with me. Join me in my search for my Incredible me, so to speak, so that maybe, along the way, you will be inspired to find your Incredible You.
Please excuse my very long first blog. Like I said, I LOVE to write and it’s so much easer for me to put my feelings and thoughts in to words, but I will take your precious time into consideration next time.
Also please excuse my failed attempt to write in perfect English. I am Dutch and having to spell check every word really takes the flow out of writing (but know that it’s totally against my perfectionistic and critical tendencies)