The Traffic Rant

Traffic in India. These words have already triggered a number of swears in the mind of three people reading this post. You could go anywhere in India and make small talk with, “Traffic here is so bad”. It is almost used as a pick-up line by some folks. Everyone has a that look on the face, the look which you obtain after eating eggs made in sewage water and topped with dung when they talk about traffic.

Car drivers in India don’t believe in lane driving. They act like if lanes are soups, always served one by two. They always drive half of the car in one lane and the other half in another lane. Bike drivers are no less, they are playing road rash, motoGP and temple run on the bike all of them together. I am very sure they get points displayed on their helmets for causing traffic troubles (If they are wearing them).

A major contribution to this is people who choose to walk instead of taking a vehicle. These are the fine gentlemen and ladies who think that every inch of the road is owned by them. No matter what the situation is, they should be given the priority. They act like the dictators of the road.

The first type is the x-men. You heard it right, they think they are Magneto. The moment they step on the road in front of the vehicle they hold a hand thinking everything will be magically stopped and they would be able to cross the road. And they don’t do it from a faraway distance. They jump in front of you exactly 2.4 seconds before the point of impact.

Some others choose the style of political leaders. They cross the road, waving their hand in the air as if they are in a rally and asking people for their votes.

Here we have a something imaginary thing called footpath as well. Which is hardly used. People use it to set up stalls, ride bikes, play cricket and sometimes cars also. Some people walk on it as well. But I am not sure it is the right way to use it. Same goes with the crossover bridges or subways. They are built at the time of an event or when elections are coming. They are pretty general purpose as well they act ask street hawker places, couples’ making out area, late night bootlegging and card playing, road crossing is still pretty much banned there.

Then there are people on big highways, who want to have an adventure by crossing the road by running across the road in fast moving traffic. I am very sure they wake up in the morning, see a few motivational videos, drink thumbs up with red bull and go “Aaj kuch toofani karte hai”. Life is a mini version of GTA for them.

As I had written before, we Indians are pretty horny when it comes to honking in traffic. Also, the signals and the roads are practice grounds for us to hone the swearing skills. You can always hear new and innovative swears in different languages in different cities. Quite a cultural enhancement.

So the next time you’re out, try and remember the category you would fit in. Happy commuting!

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