Dear Heterosexual Friends

For the last few days, I have seen blooming on my Facebook newsfeed rainbow flagged profile pictures. You want, as most of the Western world, to celebrate opening the marriage in USA to homosexual couples (please, don’t call it same sex marriage, it’s not about sex, but about gender).

Dear heterosexual friend, while doing so, did you think of how I could feel? How we, homosexuals, could feel?

No, you didn’t. Obviously. Otherwise, you would have probably refrained from appropriating our colors, our fights, our celebration. Our pride.

Oh, I know you meant well. But it does not make it right.

See, I am french. You know that, you’re my friend. Two years ago, marriage for homosexuals couples was legalized in France, after a horrible year of so called debates, which mostly saw a rise of homophobic acts and statements in all the French medias and political landscape. “L’homophobie décomplexée”, we call it — the unashamed (and unpunished, by the way, that’s also the problem) homophobia. It was horrible for me to live through that. I felt lonely, assaulted, despite, a second zone citizen of my own country. I was relieved when the law passed. I cried. I thought it would mean the end of the violences. It was not but that’s not the point (well, actually, it is also the point). I thought it would mean it was possible to marry the love of my life. It was not but that’s not the point (well, actually, it is also the point).

Dear heterosexual friend, did you cheer for me, your friend, being able, at last, to marry? Did you post on social media, updated your Facebook photo, send me wishes by any kind of way, that someone you actually know, someone that is everyday victim of homophobia and that you love, would at last have the same right than you? No, you didn’t.

And when a couple of weeks later, we noticed the law has exceptions and that our rights were taken away just because my girlfriend was polish, did you do anything, anything at all? No, you didn’t. You didn’t know, though. But that’s not the point (well, actually, it is also the point)

So understand that seeing your rainbow flagged profile picture makes me feel ignored. You did not cheered for any of the first 20 countries that legalized it — even, and especially when it meant one of your friend acquired rights. It does not make me feel like you actually care that much. It feels like you’re following a cool trend.

I know, you feel involved. You know that it is a needed change, for a fairer world, and a fairer world is definitely what we need. Now, tell me what else you do, other than rainbow flagging your profile picture, to be an ally? I mean, real stuffs. Not changing a picture on Facebook to get likes and show how progressive, modern and aware of the world and its discriminations you are. No I mean real stuff, everyday. Or at least every other day. Stuff that matters and make a real change. Stuff that takes courage and does change our lives.

Well, dear heterosexual friend, here it is, what you are doing: nothing. Actually: you are making it worse, most of the time.

Yeah, I know, I am harsh on you. But remember when I told you about this guy who called me “dyke” and asked me if I wanted him to convert me to heterosexuality by fucking me right, for once, “with a real man’s dick”? Do you remember how you said I should ignore that kind of person and not make a big deal of assholes? Remember how you asked who was the man, in my relationship and you laughed and said it should be my girlfriend as she bossed me around quite often? Do you remember when someone refused to serve me a coffee in a bar and asked my girlfriend and I to leave and you told me that I can’t expect everyone to be OK with who we are, because that just how the world is? Do you remember when you told me you did not want to hear “about that again” and “please let’s talk about something else for once” when I wanted to let you know the homophobic remarks one of your friends made in front of me and how horrible I now felt? Do you remember when I tried to explain you the situation in France during the “debates” about opening marriage to homosexual couples and you said you didn’t see the news, then change the subject without letting me finish talking? Do you remember me telling you how saying that I should “ignore it”, “not make a big deal out of”, “ let it go”, “don’t matter about it”, “don’t listen”, “stop talking all the time about” all the freaking everyday aggressions I am suffering, is actually being homophobic? Remember how you laughed at me and called me crazy over-reacting and how I should know you’re my ally, “come on, don’t be like that, you know what I think” ?

Well, actually, I don’t know what you think. And it does not matter, because, big news: You. Act. Homophobic. Despite your nice Facebook rainbow flagged profile picture, you are also acting homophobic.

You silence me. You tell me how to behave while facing all type of homophobic violences. You tell me what I should feel afterwards. You tell me when and how to talk about it. You refuse to hear about it when it does not suit your schedule. You judge my relationship by your heterocentered view of the world. You apply to my couple a binary gendered pattern, at the expense of the one being “the girl” (Yeah, intersection of homophobia and sexism, you do it right too). And those are just a few examples of what you do to make me feel small and less than you.

So understand that seeing your rainbow flagged profile picture makes me feel bitter. Because everyday, when an existing feeling hurted homosexual friend of yours talks to you about her systemic oppression, you don’t listen. You judge, from the top of your heterosexual privileges.

I know you have empathy. You just forget most of the time that to be a constant victim of an oppression is not the same than having empathy and understanding what it would feel if you would ever be in the same situation. I live it. Everyday. You imagine it. Sometimes. This is a huge difference. I am at risk to be beaten because of my sexual orientation. You are not. I am at risk to be denied basic human rights because of my sexual orientation. You are not. I am at risk of killing myself because of my sexual orientation. You are not. I am at risk of living in poverty because of my sexual orientation. You are not. I am at risk of dropping out of school because of my sexual orientation. You are not. I am at risk of not having a roof over my head because of my sexual orientation. You are not. I am at risk of death penalty in most of the world because of my sexual orientation. You are not. I am at risk of being raped because of my sexual orientation. You are not. See, our perspectives are slightly different.

You talk about your ego, how you feel when I don’t acknowledge your efforts; I talk about my life being ruined. About people like me being discriminated, killed, raped, thrown out of their homes, being bullied and assaulted. Not starting their life from the same starting line, but way behind you. It is not my role to say thank you. I don’t feel sorry for not telling you how awesome you are to not behave like an asshole.

Maybe you are yourself a victim of an oppression, either you know and recognize it, either you don’t. Maybe one I know nothing about, where I am not legitimate to speak, one that also discriminate you everyday. In that case, you should know what I mean. But you don’t live that oppression. You are not the one living homophobic violence every single second of your every single day. I am. Like I am not the one living your oppression(s). You are. So let me talk about it as I let you talk about yours.

So understand that seeing your rainbow flagged profile picture makes me feel scorned. It’s like you are asking me to acknowledge the great efforts you are doing of being a decent human being. That should be your behavior by default. Not something exceptional. I am tired of you being an ally only when it gives you advantages, either it is a new trendy profile picture on facebook, having social recognition or receiving cookies.

Then, there is your cheering. I got it, you know. With this rainbow flagged picture, you are celebrating. I get that. You are happy. I get that too. You want to show your support. Fine.

But did you know that the weekend of the 26th of June 2015 was the LGBT rights & pride weekend? Our week-end. Not yours. It was not about you. It was not your battle. It was not your pride. It was not your rights. It was not your life. It was not about you.

But then, you rainbow flagged your profile picture. And so did your heterosexual friends and family. And then, all over internet, the media, on TV and newspaper, it was talked about those kind-hearted great heterosexuals who were kind enough to celebrate for the homosexuals; there was interviews of heterosexuals, on how they support gay rights. There was portraits of heterosexuals celebrities, on how they support gay rights. There was intervention of heterosexuals politicians, on how they support gay rights. Homosexuals? We put a few images of happy homosexual couples, just to say: “Well, it’s them, there” (mostly couples of white males, great example of intersection of sexism, racism and homophobia). Not only the expression “gay rights” wildly invisibilizes the other genders, but on the top of that, even on our week-end, it is to heterosexuals we ask feedbacks, feelings, emotions, speeches, opinions. That’s again heterosexuals, talking instead of us. That’s again heterosexuals taking all the space there is and that should be ours.

I know, you have an opinion. I know you value your opinion and you want it to be heard. But I do too. I, too, have an opinion about the violences I suffer everyday. Do you find that legitimate to talk instead of me and force your opinion everywhere on something you will never, ever experience yourself? No, it’s not legitimate. Having an opinion does not mean you should always say it. There is a moment for it and it was not that one. It was unappropriate.

So understand that seeing your rainbow flagged profile picture makes me feel silenced. Because you cheer louder than me, with all your heterosexual significant others, making my voice and the one of those like me, the first concerned, weaker, smaller and thus, insignificant.

And there is the rainbow flag. Jeez, dear heterosexual friend, you rainbow flagged your profile picture. You. Rainbow. Flagged. Your. Picture. You basically took a symbol of our fight for basic humans rights and inclusion of discriminated homosexual people and you turned it into a cool trend. You took a symbol and it’s great positive values without having to experience, ever, any of its downsides. I’m sorry to repeat myself but: your sexual orientation does not expose you to being assaulted, murdered, raped, thrown out of home, sentenced to death. This is our flag, our colors, our symbol. Not a cool trend. People fight(ed) with it — died for it. So no, you cannot make it “cool” and “trendy”. We can, if we want. You cannot. Because. It. Is. Not. Yours. Be happy not to need a heteropride. And let us have ours — it is not stealing anything away from you, so don’t steal anything away from us.

The flag is not the only thing you don’t (want to) understand. You are cheering this event like that’s it, it is done, everybody is equal, no need to fight, no need to revendicate anything anymore, pack your bags, activists, and go home. Well, if you would have care for us, you would have known that it is far from being the case. You may cheer up and celebrate and rainbow flagging your profile picture — meantime, trans person are still completely ignored and killed, most of the non-heterosexual couples are not allowed proper adoption rights even on their own children, binary gendered stereotypes are forced into our heads and behaviors… And I don’t even talk about other sexual orientations and gender expressions — because it is not up to me to talk about it, I am not concerned — but they have it pretty bad too.

So understand that seeing your rainbow flagged profile picture makes me feel angry. You appropriate my symbols, my pride, my celebration, you tell me when and how to enjoy the small crumbs of rights the society consent to give me, after I fought for it so hard, while ignoring completely the whys, wherefores and consequences of any of my battles and victories.

See, dear heterosexual friend, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And, either you want it or not, you are one of its stone.

But you are also my friend. So I will tell you that nicely: next time, shut up when we speak. Listen to us. Keep your opinion to yourself.

And let us celebrate.

Because our joy is always temporary and never last.

text by @InfernaleSky

pictures and critical reading by @JustineBrisson