The Millennial’s Dilemma
This holiday break, I’ve thought a lot about what I’d like to be pursuing in the coming year. And years. This age-old question of what to do in one’s life, it gets old really quick. The uncertainty of the future is a trope that I, unfortunately, have yet to have mastered dealing with. I’ve dealt with it in the sense that I know the steps to be taken but I have, for a variety of (rather dumb and inexcusable) reasons, not necessarily been able to meet the goals for which I’ve set for myself.
I’ve taken the time to reflect on that — I think what it had really boiled down to is, strangely, honesty. But see that’s the tricky part. More so than the obvious question of whether I am being honest with myself, I think what’s really holding me back is the fact that I am so uncertain of whether or not the choices I make are the right ones, and more importantly, whether they are actually choices I want to be making. The second part there is where honesty cuts in. It’s very easy to fall into the guise of environmental factors — voices (real and not real) telling you what it is you want. The inevitability of self-convincing and rationalization of a decision is perhaps a (side) effect of my practiced pragmatism. Economists are experts at predicting what had already happened — self rationalization is unavoidable.
What’s also holding me back is a matter of cultural divide. On one hand, my progressive, liberalistic, and inquiry-based education touts the appreciation of process — all the feelings and factors leading up to the decision made and the results concluded. Uncertainty and non-commitment to one’s choices are normalized. It’s okay to not know what it is you want, and marks don’t matter (as much as you think they do). On the other hand, familial pressures push me towards making pragmatic and beneficial decisions and seeing those goals through BEFORE worrying about whether they are necessarily the ones I personally want to be making. Tradition and honour subjects one to commit to their chosen missions and complete them, not worry about how that mission makes you feel because why does that really matter in the long run if it’s been decided that this mission is the right one.
Confusions of operating in this dichotomy makes me question my honesty to myself. While I appreciate the process and the imperative nature of all of the factors leading to fulfilling a task, I can’t help but be envious of the ease and efficacy of getting those tasks done first to then retrospectively reflect, after the fact. These very polarizing dogmas focus on very different aspects of a task at hand. I compare this fickle to the comedian’s dilemma: a joke’s intent vs. its effect.
One dogma states, like the intent of a joke, that the intent (process) for which decisions are to be made are what should be relevant. It is not necessarily the end result that is the to be strived, but rather the experience of getting there. Valid.
The other dogma, like the effect of a joke, states that intent or no intent, the effect is what is lasting — how you get there is a journey, yes, and should be appreciated, but non of that really matters if there isn’t a goal to be working towards. The end result/effect is what shows for the processes taken to arrive there. It is the evidence for the work.
Oftentimes pragmatism consumes my actions and decisions, and as such it’s hard to commit to one of the two methodologies. Convenient, right? I struggle with this everyday. I’m not sure how to deal with it either. Like a cancer prognosis to a middle-aged working individual it has halted all other outlooks of my imminent future. I’m just not ready.
Laughably, as I count down the days to my completion of surviving 2 decades on this planet of ours, the excuse of trying to figure life out is becoming pathetic. And sad. Who isn’t figuring it out? The problem with “figuring it out” is that it it blinds you from just doing. Being a doer is what I feel I strongly lack. Being at an impasse doesn’t mean I cannot continue moving forward. Ms. Falcione in grade 3 was right all along: when you’re stuck at a test, skip the question and move on. Come back to it later. It’s not worth spending the time and effort lulled over at one question. And I think that’s what I really need to do. Just do.
Originally published at inflationdeflation.tumblr.com.