Pregnant and Dying
I would never say that having my daughter was a mistake or something I would change. It is by far the best thing I have ever done and that decision was in my heart from the beginning. I was never convinced it was right for me to be a mother but I always wanted it. I wanted it like I need air to stay alive having a child felt like that for me my whole life. I will never forget the day I got pregnant and knew the moment I got out of bed after the act of putting her there. I went to the bathroom and knew my life would never be the same. I went home and knew it would be at least two weeks the rest of the people in my life would be convinced it was real.
It took two weeks for me to decide what I was going to do. My life was in a bad place, parting, staying out late, no direction, and I was not living on my own. I was the kind of person that every mother would dread to have their son bring home or admit to knowing. Getting drunk, gambling, playing pool, and taking way too many risks and hoping it would bring the ultimate end. Then he was there inside me and making me rethink every decision I had ever made. Yes, I said he, until she was actually born I was convinced she was a he and so that is what I will call her. I always wanted children and facing that very decision gave me the idea that maybe by being a mother I could make different decisions. That two weeks waiting for the test told me that if I was a different kind of mother than I had, he would be better than I and actually know what love is. The morning I took the pregnancy test to find out, or at least to prove that to everyone else, was like a huge weight off my shoulders. At least I can finally tell someone, to share what I have decided. I knew they would never agree or want me to become a mother but I knew he would be something to be reckoned with. I go in and tell the woman in place of my mother that I am pregnant and that I am keeping him. She only said at least your young and will still have a chance to be beautiful after the pregnancy. She said that maybe I have a chance of being a mother but she didn’t expect I would be that great with the first child. My heart broke even though I didn’t expect to have any support it still hurt.
Driving away from my home that day to get the doctors involved in keeping my little man alive I knew I was really alone. It was still some time before I would tell the father, that I had only know 3 months before he arrived. This would be a complete shock and we are looking into buying a house in Marina Del Rey or at least talking about it. The first part of the doctor’s appointments and all the tests appear to be normal but my doctor was nervous saying he was nervous about him. I trust Dr. Black completely he has my little man completely close to his heart. Dr. Black’s worry bothers me but I leave him with the burden for now. The day arrives 15 weeks pregnant and showing more than a little I arrive at the father’s apartment. We had plans to go to the beach today. It is January 1, 1996 and the father seems concerned about my health but unaware of the reason. The father reacted the way I figured he would, his late age and our short relationship seem to turn the news sour for him. I leave the beach to return to my house to mourn what should be a happy day. It is not long after I am home that I am not feeling good, I go to my “mother” and tell her that I am not feeling well. She says to go and lay down, my heart is racing and my head is light. I take a nap and feel better when I get up but the little man is so active. The next two months I have the same problem but as long as I take naps and take it easy often I am ok. It is the weekend I am turning 5 months pregnant and I am on my way to spend the night with the father. He has been trying to wrap his head around be a dad and all that comes with it. I assure him that he needs to be present but that I will make no demands on him, just be there for our child and everything else will come together. The weekend goes well but I am suddenly hit with the worst pain I have ever felt in my abdomen and my little man goes suddenly silent. It is the kind of silent that worries me but I can barely stand up. I tell the father I need to go to the hospital but he refuses to take me. I gather my things and barely drive home. I make it to my house and can no longer steer my car so it ends up on the front lawn. Someone comes out and asks what is happening just as I collapse on the side walk leading up to the house. I tell her to get “mom” the baby is dying. Just then “mom” comes out and takes one look at me and yells at her husband to call the hospital that we are on the way and the baby and mother are dying and are in need of immediate help. I arrive at the hospital to more doctors and nurses waiting for me than I realized worked there. They ask so many questions and everything turns dark and silent. I feel my little man escape me and I fell the tears start before my own darkness clams my heart. I awake to all the doctors staring at me staying she’s back. The only question I had was is my little man alive and ok. I am trying to get up but am kept solid to the mattress of the hospital with reassurance that he is ok and better than I am. I am told I went into labor and I was very lucky that I came to the hospital when I did. I am told that I will remain for a few days to be sure my little man is ok but I should go home and immediately see my doctor. My stay in the hospital is uneventful but I am more scared now than I have ever been. The consuming thought of my little man is all I care about. It is at that time that the doctor tells me he can tell me what sex the baby is. I smile and tell him ok I want to know. I am completely confident that I know this answer already. To my complete surprise my little man is a gentle lady. He is actually going to be a she, a little girl.
The visit after the hospital is full of events and more than what I expected to happen. I am told that I am in full slow labor and being to dilate. I am also having more issues that first known. Suddenly I am asked if my heart has ever been an issue. I ask why, my doctor hesitates and then I tell him whatever it is I have to know what is going on. He states that one of the chambers in my heart is not functioning correctly and will not support both me and my little girl. He states that my kidneys are also not functioning correctly and will cause a problem during delivery. The combination of the preterm labor, bad kidneys and weakened heart makes my survival all but impossible. He says that with my heart issue they cannot do extensive tests to find out why. He knows there is an underlying issue but he cannot find it while I am pregnant. It is at that moment that I tell him that no matter what is the issue he is to save the baby and let me die. I will die bringing her to life and he has to promise me to follow my wishes. He agrees and says that he will not disclose this decision to anyone until absolutely necessary. He provides me with forms to sign stating the decision I have made and makes sure they are hidden from the file but accessible if ever necessary. I leave the doctor’s office with the choices being limited but necessary. I am to go on immediate bed rest and I am to drink as much water as I can take in. I tell no one that I am to die having my little girl. The next several months are endless boredom followed by endless blood work, tests, doctor’s visits, and preterm labor that causes me to go to the hospital every two weeks. My heart is holding but I go into labor every two weeks like clockwork, always 4 minutes apart. The mad rush to the hospital begins to be routine even the hospital staff is ready and waiting for me when I arrive.
At about 7 months pregnant, I begin to search for a lawyer to make sure the choices I have made and will need to make are honored in my death. My “mothers” husband, Ray, tells me he has a very good lawyer that can help me. On the first visit with Bill is there I tell her that I want to pursue child support and custody. I love Angela immediately; she is no bullshit and dives in head first. She insists on a second appointment before moving forward. On the second visit I am alone, she is aware I wanted something more. I explained everything to her but I needed her to follow my wishes. I give her my doctor’s phone number and tell her he is expecting a call and that I have released him to answer and tell her everything. The third visit with Angela came with a hug and she would honor my wishes but with hopes I survive.
The next few months seemed like a time warp as slow as possible. I just wanted it over and at the same time I wanted to stay pregnant forever. To be without her would be the worst feeling I have ever felt and at the same time to have to go through labor just to die without seeing her would be the worst kind of torture I could face. The day came for the last doctor’s appointment before the delivery would happen. We would induce labor and control when she came in with the hopes the doctor could save me and her too. We both had little hopes it would work but the doctors knew what they were doing and how to do it. I left the details to them and told them when I wanted it to happen. The only day that mattered to me was my “grandmother’s birthday”. She was the only woman that mattered to me and I wanted to have the baby on that day, August 26th. I was told to arrive 3 days prior to that day and they said they would try to make it happen. My little girl decided timing was nothing and I went into labor 14 days before that day. I went to the hospital and was told that the labor was unproductive. The doctor told me she had to stay in, I was to endure the labor at home, without help because of my decisions. I accepted this and spent the next week having labor pains 4 minutes apart for 7 days. By the time I saw the doctor again I was tired, hungry and cranky. I told him to remember his promise, and that everything would be ok. After two more days of labor I was checked into the hospital and given medication to make the labor productive. However, it was not working. I was not progressing the way I should, Dr. Black decided that both myself and the baby would certainly die unless a c-section was done. At that moment he left to get help and I started to feel so much pain that I could not stay awake. I felt my back ache then everything went dark, the next moment I was aware of I heard all the monitors beeping and nurses running. Then I heard their both gone then what I felt next felt like a dream. I wish I could have stayed there with my gentle angel forever. It is hard to explain but it was the warmest most loving place I have ever felt. Then for the first time in my right ear I hear mommy please stay with me. All I was felling left my body and mind then I was brought back to that room where a nurse was standing over me pushing on my belly trying to deliver my gentle angel. I suddenly see the doctor and he is holding my girl in his arms with tears in his eyes. Dr. Black hands her to the nurse and she makes sure she is alive and well. Then he turns to me and asks if I am ok. I said I felt ok but I wanted to see her before the end. Dr. Black handed her to me and said she would be loved. I waited to see what would happen but my heart didn’t stop, the world did not end for me. They took her away to the NICU and started to care for me, Dr. Black said I would survive for now. The next morning I felt like a truck had run over me but my heart was healing and my kidneys were returning to normal. The doctor warned me that I was still facing something deadly but today would not be the day I died after all.
