Why the word Soulmate, sucks.
I use to believe in the idea of having a Soulmate. Somewhere, out “there”, that one person exists. One day, we would cross paths and everything would fall into place. The glass slippers fits perfectly! Love at first sight, among other Western born fantasies that define a happy life. Bear with me, this is not an article written by another internet Sad boy. If you feel like you found love at first sight, I don’t discredit that. You got lucky and I applaud your optimism, it paid off. However there are a lot of people wandering around banging their head against the same wall wondering why they keep getting headaches. This article if for you guys, the ones with the headaches (the category I myself fall into)
We all have standards. It’s very important to have an idea of what general qualities you can and cannot mesh well with on a daily basis. Usually we learn this through life experience and failed relationships. Plain and simple when you have expectations you often set yourself up for heartache. And when you put expectations on how you want another to fit in to your life, you’re also going to hurt your partner. I can only speak for American culture but I’m sure it applies elsewhere when I say a lot of people do this without even being conscious of it.
The scarcity complex mentioned by Brene Brown in her book “Daring Greatly” eludes to the fact we live in a culture where nothing is ever enough. We need things to be bigger better and we need to have more of them then we did last year. Which I think is a great quality. It pushes us to evolve and make the world a more beautiful place. But we need to shed some attention on why that is toxic for other aspects of human life. To narrow it down to one for now, interpersonal relationships of any kind.
A lot of the time when you see the embodiment of happy in advertising or the local news, it’s portrayed with smiles, sunsets, loved ones, a baby crawling around. Point being, unless your seeking out alternative mediums to get your information and entertainment this may subconsciously be what your idea of a happy full life becomes. As the internal clock ticks, time winds down, the walls close in. People start getting desperate. Some even completely give up and just start wearing velcro and sweatpants (fanny pack: optional)! The beautiful idea of two whole people making a life together turns into 1/2 of a person desperately searching for somebody else to complete them.
How can we beat this?
Mindfulness starts with practice but it can snowball into being a big way of how you think. If you’re sick of failed relationship after failed relationship. Try this.
- Make a list of all the qualities you want in another person.
2. Fold into small origami bird.
3. Enjoy the irony and phoenix like display as you set bird aflame.
Hold your frustrated response. Im not suggesting you to throw out lessons learned from other relationships because those help you narrow your search. But KEEP AN OPEN MIND. The pursuit of love is not a carnival game where hopefully you can return home victorious with the biggest stuffed animal.
To sum it up:
If you feel incomplete. Another person won’t help with that. They might provide a nice distraction for six months to a year until you settle back into reality. If you take the time and put personal growth above your search for a partner; stop waiting around for your “Soulmate” to transcend to you directly from the heavens. Your options will dramatically increase. You may even find somebody that far exceeds any expectation you could have previously imagined.