I’m Crazy And, Now, I Know It.
So over the course of the last 4 weeks, Ive had 1 severe anxiety attack coupled with a multitude of minute “scares” for a lack of better wording. Now had these same events happened one year ago exactly, I think it would have seriously disturbed not only my mental state but my physical well being and my levels of productivity. So whats changed?
I Found Out I Was Crazy
While that seems insanely inconsiderate and a tad inappropriate to say, it’s true. With the fact that I had been experiencing episodes like that which I described earlier as well as some depression-like habits, I had speculations that I had a real mental disorder that I had no physical control over but I wasn’t ever positive. That forced me to believe that the cause of my emotional outrages and sudden change in lifestyle was the cause of me and my actions directly! Guess what that did…made it worse.
It wasn’t until almost 4 years after first noticing the changes,along with what is and most probably will always be the worst year of my life, that I decided it would be a wise idea for me to see a professional psychiatrist and get my butt up off of WebMD. I visited a local and highly rated psychiatrist in my area and made an appointment for about a week later and there began the anxiety again. Those 7 days leading up to my appointment were spent over thinking every decision I had made in my life time, repeating what I would say to the psychiatrist a million times in my head, and over thinking how I would feel in every possible outcome. Safe to say it wasn’s the most pleasant time for me.
When the 10 am appointment did roll around, I woke up 2 hours early (very unlike me at the time) and made a full breakfast (also very unlike me at the time) and still had enough time to sit and watch an episode of my favorite TV comedy, The League. On my 15 minute drive to the appointment I had never felt more at ease. I’d never been so content in my life. I don’t think, to this day, I have ever been more “okay” with whatever conclusion this visit would have. I walked into the office and signed in. No more than 15 minutes later I was greeteed by a short frail man dressed in a tucked in button down, slack, and slip on dress shoes who looked to be about in his late 50’s. He walked me into his brightly lit office, sat me down, and began to ask me questions of all kinds from my name and age all the way to how I felt the day before. At the end of the 15 minute conversation he looked at me very calmly and plainly, almost as if it were completely normal, and said, “You have moderate to severe anxiety and minute depression…” along with a hefty amount of evidence to support his claims. So why does it matter?
Because Now I Actually Know
Now rather than focusing all of my energy on WHAT is wrong with me I can focus on WHY these issues are there and HOW to fix them (Or cope with them in my case because you can't “fix” depression and anxiety..but thats a conversation for another writing session). Now I don’t have to put in the added energy to try to devise what made me feel how I did today or why it triggered me. Now I could accept the fact that these emotions and thoughts and irrational conversations I have with myself aren’t my fault. Now I can cope with the fact that it is out of my hands. Why does that matter?
Because Now I Am Free
Now I have the mental capacity, after clearing my head of all doubts, to move towards rebuilding and improving my life. I could finally stop staying up all night reading about why I may have depression and why I felt anxious today or what the trigger might have been and why that is. Now I have the opportunity to let my gaurd down a little and let life happen rather than boarding myself off so much because now, instead of freaking out, I’ll still freak out….but I’ll be able to catch it and accept it rather than question it. I’ll be able to assess the situation and figure out how to work with it next time rather than try to figure out why it happened. Now I am ACTUALLY free to move on with my life. So why am I sharing this story?
Because Today Was A Bad Day
On my bad days I like to try to help someone out with something and this is a new way for me to do that. I’ve always been one to say that the best help you can be given (or give) is the gift of knowledge and experience. No amount of money or feel good foods will help someone as much as your perspective or your prior experiences and how you went about solving your problem. It kind of goes along with the whole “You can give a man a fish or you can teach a man to fish” ideology. Okay, so what’s the point here?
Here’s What I’m Trying To Say
I guess in a much more broad and much shorter sense (for those of you who skipped my whole story) Stop worrying about the why. That applies to every situation, not just mental instability disorders. Don’t take that too literally though. Go out and do your research and find out why something is happening to your or in your life and what the casueses may be but stop obsessing over it. Sooner or later (sooner is better) you need to come to a point where you accept what has happened or what is going on and take the insane leap that is moving forward from it. The past can’t be brought back and the future waits for no one so close your browser and take another step towards acceptance and a better life.
I hope this helped someone because I know just writing this out helped me! This was my first time writing anything like this but it was a ton of fun!
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