Emotional Labor: It Took a Divorce for Me to Finally Get It
I didn’t understand it then, and it took therapy and dating to finally have it reflected back to me.
In the realm of relationships, the term “emotional labor” has gained significance as conversations about equality and mutual support continue to evolve. It’s a concept that speaks to the effort and energy invested in managing and nurturing the emotional well-being of both partners. While emotional labor is vital for fostering healthy connections, it’s equally essential to recognize when one partner is disproportionately carrying this burden.
Emotional labor is the unpaid job men still don’t understand. — Gemma Hartley, Harper’s Bazaar
While lack of emotional support is gender agnostic, this does seem to be heavily skewed toward men not showing up for their partners. As a recovering, emotionally stunted male myself, I can see how that tracks. Our formative years spent being told not to cry or show emotion, “be tough”, the toxic big dick energy (BDE) trope, rarely ever getting compliments, and so much more. All this leads to raising males that are emotionally stunted, and unable to share in the emotional labor.
I’m also here to tell you that, through hard work, this is reversible. While it was way too late for my marriage, it certainly has allowed me to have healthy relationships since then.
An Imbalance Can Bring a Relationship to Its Knees
Three years ago, my marriage came to a screeching halt, and the main reason (among many) was that the emotional labor was all on my partner. I had no idea what that even meant at the time.
Since, I’ve spent three years working to discover how I can better show up for someone before I started dating again. After some deep reflection, I can now see how unfair and draining that can be for a partner to take on that outsized burden.
In fact, it took dating to really start to reflect that back to me. Meeting someone and really connecting only to find out I am doing all the work in setting up dates, initiating all the conversations, being the one that reaches out or even express my feeling about them… it’s exhausting. In fact, “matched energy”—an oblique way to talk about emotional labor—is listed in three of my non-negotiables in dating.
The Nature of Emotional Labor
Emotional labor encompasses the empathetic acts, active listening, and emotional support that form the bedrock of a strong relationship. It’s about being attuned to your partner’s needs, showing understanding, and creating a safe space for them to express their feelings. Emotional labor strengthens the emotional bond between partners and fosters a sense of trust and intimacy.
Enduring Emotional Labor: Recognizing the Signs
Enduring emotional labor occurs when one partner consistently shoulders a greater portion of the emotional responsibilities within the relationship. Signs of this imbalance in these responsibilities may include:
- One-way support: If your partner is frequently the sole source of comfort and understanding during challenging times, while receiving less reciprocal support from you. When was the last time you went to your friends about an issue insetad of your partner?
- Unseen efforts: Failing to recognize the emotional labor your partner puts into the relationship, such as acknowledging their emotional availability and empathy. Are they planning everything? Are they the ones leading?
- Unresolved conflicts: Ignoring ongoing emotional conflicts or expecting your partner to address them, rather than engaging in open conversations together.
- Emotional exhaustion: Your partner may exhibit signs of burnout, feeling overwhelmed or drained due to the unequal distribution of emotional labor. When was the last time you asked “how are you feeling?”
- Neglected needs: If your partner’s emotional needs are consistently disregarded or downplayed, it can play into then feeling pushed out and not appreciated.
How to Contribute to a More Balanced and Fulfilling Partnership
- Be attentive: Actively listen to your partner’s concerns, joys, and challenges. Show genuine interest and create an environment where they feel comfortable sharing their emotions.
- Express appreciation: Regularly express gratitude for your partner’s emotional labor. Acknowledging their efforts reinforces the value they bring to the relationship.
- Initiate conversations: Take the initiative to discuss emotions and relationship dynamics. Initiated conversations show your commitment to a balanced partnership.
- Share the load: Recognize that emotional labor isn’t the sole responsibility of one partner. Be proactive in providing emotional support and understanding in times of need.
- Educate yourself: Learn about emotional labor and its impact on relationships. By understanding its nuances, you can foster a more empathetic and equitable dynamic.
- Get therapy: This is not only for yourself, but for your partner in that you can unburden them with using them as your sole emotional support. It’s not to say you shouldn’t go to them about things, but here you will learn how to self-regulate so you can work through the deeper stuff versus every nickel and dime thing.
The above skills take time. Pick one at a time and work on it. You can also straight up ask your partner “What are ways that make you feel appreciated?” You are not looking for a color-by-numbers cheatsheet here, but ideas that you can riff off of and incorporate into your daily actions. Even a conversation about this topic can help. “I just read about emotional labor, and I want to know where you feel I am showing up—or not showing up—for you.” Brace yourself for the answer, it’s likely going to get gnarly.
When to Pull the Rip Cord
There is no easy answer for this, but if you see that there is a massive and uncorrectable imbalance in the emotional labor of your relationship, it may be time to pull the rip cord and move on.
One big sign is that when you bring it up, you are met with gaslighting or complete disregard for your feelings. There is literally no way for this to be corrected without participation from your partner. No amount of work or spiritual bypassing on your end will fix it, and I can attest that this is not something someone ‘grows out of.’
In fact, I categorize a lack of emotional support right up there with drug addiction in that it very often takes an overdose or big life event reflecting it back on them to see the ruinous affects of it. If they are emotionally checked out, they are also not self-aware, and definitely not self-actualizing. They basically have to hit rock bottom, and have it reflected back to them. Again, it took a divorce for me to even realize it was an issue.
In Summary
In relationships, emotional labor is a shared responsibility that strengthens the emotional connection between partners. Recognizing when one partner is enduring the majority of this labor is crucial for creating a balanced and fulfilling partnership. By actively participating in emotional conversations, providing reciprocal support, and expressing appreciation, you can contribute to a more equitable and harmonious relationship. Remember, a strong relationship is built on mutual understanding, respect, and the willingness to share both the joys and burdens of emotional labor. When that is out of balance, the relationship doesn’t work, even if you are still together.
