How Will the Democratic Candidates Pay for More Affordable Education?

Today’s college students face a choice between Bernie Sanders, a kind of Democrat who wants to make tuition free, and Hillary Clinton, a real Democrat who wants to make tuition kind of free. Both candidates have ambitious proposals, but how do they plan to pay for them?

Bernie Sanders:

Making devastating cuts to popular government programs like “the War on Drugs,” and “the War in Iraq”
Requiring just a few years of work as part of Gulag-Study program
Offering a four-year study abroad program in European countries like Sweden and Germany
Reducing history textbook costs by taking out most of the pages about Stalin, Mao, and Castro
Something about billionaires and the big banks on Wall Street — hold on, we’re trying to remember it. Whatever he said, it was super inspiring
Reforming inefficient state university model by consolidating all public colleges into one central campus at the bottom of the Mariana Trench
A couple more fucking Phish benefit concerts oughta do it

Hillary Clinton:

To compete with Sanders’ free tuition plan, Hillary will now allow students to describe what they hate most about student debt in up to five emojis
Overthrowing unfriendly college presidents in order to refinance loans under more moderate “Contra Deans”
Personally asking the banks that hold your debt to go easy on you this time
As a certified Badass slay queen, Clinton has the Constitutional power to hit your student loan bill with a big, official stamp that says “DGAF”
Legally designating all state and federal prisons as universities, solving both the college tuition and mass incarceration problems at once
Taking out student debt’s stronghold in Iraq and Syria
Watch her whip. Now watch her nae nae